If you’ve spent any time in family court you know that the court doesn’t always do what you think it will, especially in child custody cases.  Maybe you’ve been the at-home parent for ten years, and dad has suddenly discovered that you have kids together.  Or, perhaps mom is bat bleep crazy, but seems to turn the tide against you at every hearing or at Family Court Services mediation.

I’ve seen over and over again those parents who do the same thing time after time while expecting a different result.  I remember one family law judge asking a father, “how many times are you going to bring this same motion before this court?”  This parent’s reply:  “as many times as it takes.”

That was, as you will suspect, the wrong answer.  Here’s a little secret that will get you better results in custody court than the best lawyer in San Diego County:  Winning in child custody cases often requires doing precisely the opposite of what you feel inclined to do.

Case in point:  Dad comes into court or mediation demanding 50-50 custody.  You know that he is a pothead and that he would rather be partying with the boys than be cooped up with your kids.  But he says he wants to step up and be the father he never was during the marriage.

Your natural inclination might be to limit his visits to two or three weekly visits for a couple of hours, while you watch him like a hawk.  Surely the court will see how irresponsible he is.

But the court wants you to give him more time.  If you resist, and complain about dad’s shortcomings, the court may get the idea that you don’t support his parent-child relationship, or worse, that you’re more concerned with punishing your ex than loving your kid.

Try the opposite.  Be generous by proposing more time with that parent.  It will do two things:

1.  You will give a child-focused impression on the court, an impression that they will remember; and

2.  You will give your co-parent the opportunity to either step up or fail.

Once you have established that you are child-centered and supportive of the other parent, the other parent will have to step up.  If that parent’s priority is something other than the kids (such as partying, playing pick-up basketball or working long hours), you’ll start to get more opportunities to parent outside the schedule.  The court is going to see what is going on, and likely you will end up with more parenting time.

If you are the “out parent,” seize that opportunity to step up.  If you get a 50-50 time share, now’s your time to shine as a parent.  Be willing to make those kids a priority.

I always say that child custody cases are a marathon, not a sprint.  If you don’t like your time share with your son or daughter, play the long game.  Don’t expect the court to be able to solve your problem after one ruling.

This often requires doing something other than your first inclination.  Do the opposite.  And…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post GREAT TIP FOR CHILD CUSTODY: TRY THE OPPOSITE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

My (divorced) mother recently asked me this question:  Why are divorces so expensive?  Her answer was, “because they’re worth it!”

She should know, given the riches she forked over to attorneys who gladly took her money and fed her resentment toward my father.  I love my mother more than life itself, but she would have been well served to read this page before she plunked down those hefty retainers.  Sadly, I was a young law student at the time of her divorce and had little to offer her other than the standard lawyer technical gobbledygook.

10 years ago I was a devoted husband to my young bride, with 2 toddler boys.  I had been practicing in the field of workers’ compensation defense for about 19 years at the time, having tried hundreds of cases before the California Workers’ Compensation Appeals Board and other tribunals and courts.

Then, suddenly, I became a litigant when my now ex-wife announced that she wanted a divorce.  My world turned upside-down.  What should I do first?  I knew nothing about California divorce law, but I was a lawyer, and I thought, well, I can figure this out if anyone can.

My first stop along the way was Dr. Deena Stacer’s high conflict class.  That’s a class the court often orders when parents can’t get along.  I was not ordered to take the class, but found out about it through a mutual friend.

The class was a godsend!  I certainly learned how divorce litigation generates the worst forms of self-defeating behaviors.  I created Divorce Life Solutions out of a passion to help others avoid shooting themselves in the foot during divorce and child custody litigation.

One epiphany was that the litigation itself was devastating to the people involved, decimating to their financial security and destructive to their happiness.  I also saw litigants spending tens, and sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars walking down that path.  Sorry, mom, but it’s not worth all that.

I decided to turn lemons into lemonade and you can, too.  I have discovered ways to use legal services in targeted ways that avoid the thousands involved in having a divorce specialist on retainer.  I have learned a set of behaviors that can transform your divorce from a grueling scorched-earth battle to a transformative experience where you achieve your dreams.

So, yes, you can save huge dough and avoid the pain and heartache of divorce litigation—simultaneously!

Look at some of the past issues for some great tips.  I have some tools that will help you to chart your course if you will subscribe to my blog.  But more importantly, I have hard won wisdom from having succeeded in creating my own great post divorce life, have a wonderful and satisfying relationship to my boys (now aged 12 and 13) and truly achieving my dreams.  I did it and you can to.

So, tune in for next week and until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post It’s True: You Really Can Divorce Inexpensively While Achieving Your Dreams And Here’s How… appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

STEP ONE:  DECIDE IF DIVORCE REALLY YOUR BEST OPTION:

If you are the victim of intolerable cruelty, constant angry attacks or, God forbid, physical abuse, it’s time to get out.  Contact your local domestic violence shelter.  They have experienced counselors who can help you escape frank abuse.

For the rest of you, I’m not going to judge the reason for the breakup, but I will say that most people have soluble problems.  I have written in other contexts that one should always count the costs.  Divorce is financially devastating, emotionally painful to you, your spouse, your friends and your extended family, and generally harmful to children.  True, children are harmed when marital conflict descends into deep disrespect of the other or violence.  But consider the long term effect, and that most marital problems are temporary and soluble.  Be sure this is the last resort, because once a divorce announcement is made or a petition filed, it’s nearly impossible to go back.

STEP TWO:  HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR EX:

If divorce is really inevitable, it is vital that you keep the carnage to a minimum.  A compassionate conversation with the soon-to-be-ex is important, because of what I call the “trust tax.”

The trust tax is the cost of doing business in a low-trust environment.  Consider international disputes that result in warfare.  Each nation demonizes the other and feels justified in defeating them by any means possible.  Warfare results in mass death and financial ruin.

To prevent a divorce that looks like international warfare, be compassionate, even if you are the left spouse.  It helps to understand that the leaving spouse is not a demon out to ruin your happiness.  In every divorce there is responsibility on both sides, no matter how minimal, and it helps to own your own part emotionally, even if you don’t express it.  You need to see your soon-to-be-ex in human terms.

From the children’s perspective, a high trust co-parenting relationship is vastly superior to a low trust, high-conflict one.  If staying together is impossible, you’ll need to be able to cooperate for the sake of the children.

Whn having this conversation, plan to discuss:

• Where are each of you going to live while this gets sorted out.
• What should the temporary parenting schedule be?
• Who will pay which bills?
• What support arrangements are necessary?
• Should we try mediation to resolve all the issues?

STEP THREE:  HAVE A FINANCIAL PLAN TO GET THROUGH THE EARLY STAGES:

If you are going to do a “cut and run” divorce, and avoid difficult conversations or mediation, get ready to spend.  A litigated divorce with divorce lawyers on each side is going to cost you about $20,000 or more for each party.  If you don’t have that kind of dough, see step two above.

I recommend having $3,000 to $5,000 on hand, or a credit card that can be charged in that amount, before initiating the legal process.  You’re going to need some professional help down the road even if you file your own petition.

Consider your budget and how you intend to support yourself during the process.  Leaving without a plan is a sure formula for disaster.

Before you raid the joint accounts, consider the effect that will have on trust.  Remember that the cost of your divorce will be inversely related to the level of trust that you are able to build with your ex.

Hoping this advice helps easy your journey down this rocky path, I urge you to:

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post EXPERT CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER SHARES THREE STEPS TO FINANCIAL SECURITY IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DIVORCE. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Last week I summarized 12 steps to financial security during and after the divorce, and here’s the first one:  getting a handle on your emotions.

If you want financial security you need to have equanimity, that is, self-possession and calm amid the crapstorm.  In child custody cases you’ll need to be imperturbable when the other parent tries to throw you off center.  For financial issues you’ll need to channel your inner mathematician, someone who can make wise decisions under pressure.  You need the ability to bring the joy, even when others try to tear you down.

You really can be calm, and even joyful during your divorce process. I’ve lived this and watched countless others live it too.  Here are some ideas about how to get through the post-announcement doldrums.

Bad emotions will cause you to make bad mistakes.  Among these mistakes are:

• Sending nasty text messages and e-mails that can be used against you later;
• Posting nasty things on social media;
• Dumping your case on an aggressive divorce attorney and creating a plan for revenge rather than for happiness;
• Purposefully withholding your children from the other parent;
• Getting arrested for domestic violence.

Understand that whether you’re leaving or being left, this is going to be emotionally difficult.  It’s the nature of the beast.  But you can come out ahead if you can see a happy future, one in which you are achieving your highest values and aspirations.  It’s hard to see it now, but you can see it.

I would urge you to write out a detailed description of what your post-divorce life looks like, as though it’s already happened.  Write about that big house by the ocean that you finally have, and the great school district where your kid are now getting straight As.  Write in detail about how you finally wrote that “Meditation through Painting” book, got a spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and went on to make seven figures selling instructional videos.

Talk about your dreams as though you’ve already accomplished them.  This will set your subconscious to work on making your dreams into reality.  Dream big, and read your dream sheet out loud to yourself every day.

By contrast, nothing can destroy hope faster than dwelling on what is lost, plotting revenge, or trying to hold on to the past.  Don’t dwell on what a jerk your ex is.  Instead, think ahead to the great life you are now creating.  Don’t let anger or resentment set in—these will cause you to make bad decisions.

Keep in mind that the best revenge is always living well.  Reach for your dreams; it will drive your ex crazy.  Then, when your ex tries to draw you into conflict, all you’ll hear is “blah, blah, blah.”

Next week I’m going to talk about your divorce plan of escape.  Until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR FIRST STEP TO FINANCIAL SECURITY AFTER DIVORCE-COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR FEELINGS appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Most divorce and child custody lawyers will spend their free consultation (or one that they will charge your credit card $350 for) convincing you of how much you need them.  According to the standard pitch, you are in extremely deep voodoo, and the only way out is to hire them to fight for you.  And the more you fight, the more money they make.

Tammy and I founded Divorce Life Solutions(tm) to help people avoid the biggest mistakes divorcing people make.  The truth is, your divorce case can and should settle without expensive litigation.  That’s not going to happen if you simply dump your shoebox of documents on the lawyer’s desk and say “fix this.”  Here’s the secret sauce that will save you huge bucks and lead to financial security, and to a secure relationship with your kids:

1. Understand and deal with the immediate emotional trial caused by every divorce.
2. Develop a plan of escape.
3. Get all your papers together in a neat, tabbed binder.
4. Spreadsheet everything you make, spend, own and owe, with realistic numbers based on the past.
5. You can do most of the legal paperwork yourself.
6. Use unbundled attorney representation so that you only pay for what you need.
7. Use an experienced, trained divorce mediator to assist with difficult negotiations.
8. Pursue long-term goals and let go of the need for fairness and revenge.
9. Don’t use dollar services to fight over penny issues.
10. Take charge of your own financial life when the proceedings are done.
11. Take the time, energy and money that you would use in the court process and devote it to your relationships with your children.
12. Life is too short to be angry and bitter—be joyful in your life; it will drive your ex crazy!

Consider Mabel, who lawyered her way into full custody of the kids and a hefty alimony award and spent $50,000 on her lawyer, half of which the court ordered her ex-husband to pay.  Mabel’s ex seldom saw his children, who are now surly, disrespectful teenagers.  Mabel’s ex paid his $3,000 per month support order for 2 years and abruptly announced that he would pay no longer.  Since he was willing to go to jail or live on a park bench rather than pay the support, he quit his 6-figure, 60 hour per week job and hung out a shingle as a handyman.  After that, he had no wages to garnish and has spent through his retirement account.  A couple of years later he unexpectedly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Now consider Julie, who decided to take charge of her life and avoid litigation.  She urged her ex to try mediation and resolved her case for about $4,000 in mediation fees.  She agreed to a step-down spousal support (alimony) order and went back to school to achieve her childhood dream of being a registered nurse.  Now, her ex is not her favorite person in the world, but he pays his support on time and is a huge help with the kids.  One day, the ex got drunk and drove his car into a ditch, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down.  Not to worry; July is now making $120,000 per year working for Tri-City Hospital as an RN, a job she finds greatly fulfilling.  In the process she has set an example to her children of how to take responsibility for your own life and make yourself a success by the sweat of your own brow.  And, she is immune from the consequences of her ex’s irresponsible behavior.

Which mother would you rather be?  I am in the process of writing an e-book for sale that will go into greater detail about the best way to divorce with your financial security intact.  Stay tuned, and until then…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR SPILLS THE BEANS-12 WAYS YOU ACHIEVE FINANCIAL SECURITY WITHOUT A LAWYER! appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Sometimes it’s better to settle for less.  You may be thinking, wow, did a lawyer just say that?  Yes, you heard that right.  I don’t mean getting less value; I mean getting more value.  If you’re wondering how accepting less money or less support could possibly lead to your getting more value, read on.

Win-lose—the paradigm of our litigation system:

Attorneys have minds like steel traps.  If there’s a closely-held business we need a professional evaluator to apply the discounted cash flow method of evacuation, using the Gordon Model Multiple.  Or if spousal support is in issue we need an in depth analysis of all 14 of the Family Code section 4320 factors.  Each lawyer argues and fights to push the needle in their direction on each individual issue, and such issues are resolved one-by-one in isolation.  On the spousal support question, we might spend half an hour on Husband’s income, half and hour on whether and how much income to impute to Wife, whether it’s legitimate to consider unearned stock options as income available for support, and on and on.  Here is a diagram of a typical result for such a negotiation:

Here the lawyers have neatly divide an asset, such as a business, into equal 35 percent shares for each of the divorcing parties.  It’s certainly even, but the combined shares of Husband and Wife are 70 percent.  The red area is the attorney’s cut.

The win-win paradigm of mediation:

One way to make the pie bigger it to cut out the divorce attorney’s share by doing your own legal work—but this has a high degree of difficulty.  And, we can do better than that. The chart below illustrates how intangible values can actually make the pie bigger:

An “intangible” is something that’s worth something to a divorcing spouse that can’t be directly measure by a professional evaluator or lawyer.  How much money would you pay to have a good relationship with your children?  If you have a complicated and nasty hearing coming up, how much would you pay to avoid it?  Here is a partial list of intangible values:

1.  Avoiding painful hearings and trials.

2.  Teaching respect and tolerance of others to your children by example.

3.  Teaching children to respect their mother or father.

4.  Having happy, well-adjusted children.

5.  Moving on with your post-divorce life.

6.  Having an asset that has sentimental value.

7.  Living in proximity for co-parenting.

8.  Being able to co-parent peacefully and civilly.

9.  Fairness and equity.

10.  The dignity of being self-supporting in a career you’ve always wanted.

I’m not suggesting that you always put these intangible items on the table during negotiations.  But it helps to consider them when deciding how much to offer and when to settle.  And, it starts you to thinking about solutions that benefit Husband, Wife, the children, the extended family and friends.

Many people lose their sanity and happiness during painful and expensive divorce litigation.  But as the most wise person to ever live said, “what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?”  Remember to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post The Value of Intangibles in Divorce Negotiation appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is not to disparage our truly fine family law bench.  Where I practice, mostly in North San Diego County at the Vista location, I am often amazed the compassion and understanding that our family law jurists bring to their decisions.

But the overwhelming majority of people who find themselves in our courtrooms have unreasonably high expectations of what a court can do to help in any given situation.  To see why, I’d like to take you on a little journey through the minds of the people involved.

Let’s start with you.  In the universe of your relationships to your soon-to-be-ex and to your kids is a body of information or truth about what is happening, and what is good for your family.  A subset of that truth is your understanding of what’s going on.  Another subset is what your ex understands or believes is going on.

Visualize your understanding of what’s going on in your case as a window, the larger blue area in the diagram above.  You then go to your attorney, spending an hour (at a cost of $350) for an intake.  You present documents like text messages, pictures, tax returns and the like.  This information, recorded in your case file and in the lawyer’s brain, is a smaller window inside the larger window of everything you know.  Your child custody or family law attorney can’t see everything in your window; he/she must look through the smaller window of his/her knowledge of your life.

Now comes a 20-minute Request for Order hearing.  The tools that your divorce lawyer has to present the case include written declarations that you sign, documentary evidence that he/she will lodge with the court on your behalf and maybe two or three sentences from you during the hearing.

The lawyer must expand, as much as possible the judge’s window on your life, but by necessity that window is very, very small.  That’s why it’s so darn difficult for your judicial officer to get your case exactly right or see it from your point of view.

The moral of the story is that you and your ex have the biggest windows into your lives and family, and are therefore in the best position to make those important decisions about how to share childrearing responsibilities, how to divide your estate, how you will be supported, in short, how you will accomplish your goals for your post-divorce life.  This is your family, and the decision maker should be you, and not your lawyer, or the person who has the smallest window, the judicial officer.

In mediation we take the time to explore how you and your ex can accomplish your goal of divorcing inexpensively, avoiding expensive and upsetting hearings, and accomplishing your goals.  In mediation you don’t have to follow the California legislature’s or the judicial officer’s view of how your family should be constituted.  If you come in to our free workshop this coming Saturday (February 4, 2017) at 1:00, we’ll show you how to do this.

Hoping to see you soon, I urge you to:

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CAN THE COURT REALLY HELP? SAGE WISDOM FROM YOUR CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

If you are a regular reader of this blog you already know the value of divorce mediation, as compared to plunking down a big retainer for a divorce lawyer, trying to DIY it or burying your head in the sand. “But,” you say, “you’ll never get him in to mediation.”  Or, “there’s no way I can mediate with her—we’re just too far apart.”

As mediators, Tammy Ferreira CDFA(tm) and I are trained to handle objections, and we can usually get even the most stubborn parties to resolve the matter.  The magic happens when we show the person that a settlement actually benefits them.  In mediation we focus on solutions that benefit both parties.  These benefits can be big—thousands in attorney fees, staying away from stressful court appearances, or just being done.

Often more than half the battle is getting the other person through the doors of our mediation office.  Here is a two-step method that will work most of the time.

Step One:  Become a Mediation Nerd.

My now ex-wife announced that she was seeking divorce 10 years ago, and I knew nothing then.  I was fortunate to have a friend who taught one of the high conflict classes the courts order when divorcing parents can’t get along.  Here’s what I learned:

• Realistically, a case of average complexity will cost about $15,000 to $20,000  for each lawyer, and I met people in the class who had spent well into six figures.  Our average mediation costs about $4,500 plus your court filing fees.
• Most cases require multiple “Request for Order” hearings that are costly and upsetting.  Declarations are filed detailing all the nasty stuff you know about each other in a public record that anyone can see.  Mediation is a completely confidential way to divorce that keeps you out of court and out of the poorhouse.
• Lawyers have a built-in conflict of interest.  It’s in both of your interest to resolve the case without court, but your lawyers make more money if they keep you fighting.  Mediators’ main interest is in resolving conflict and finding solutions.
• In mediation you can explore solutions that benefit both of you.
• If for some reason mediation doesn’t work, you can always go the court route.

You know what it’s like to talk to a nerd.  For example, watch how excited your tax accountant gets talking about how he can use the tax code to save you money.  A passionate advocate is an effective advocate.

Step Two:  Be a Broken Record.

I prefer voice communication when discussing these matters, though this may be difficult at your stage.  I find that if I can get the other person in my office or on the phone, I can usually get them to come in.  I am the world’s biggest mediation nerd, after all.

The big mistake most people make is allowing the conversation to stray into the details of the divorce, such as how you will share the children or the financial arrangements.  Our advice:  don’t bring up any issues in your case.  Your sole objective is to get them in to the mediation process.  If you’re as old as I am you remember vinyl long-playing records.  When broken, they would skip, and repeat a certain phrase or lyric over and over again.  Be a broken record by returning the conversation to the benefits of mediation.  Here are some examples:

Spouse:  I want 50-50 custody of our kids.  That’s what’s fair and even if I go to mediation I won’t accept anything less than 50-50 custody. (Note—you may be totally opposed to the 50-50 idea, but it’s best to acknowledge that it is a possible outcome if your goal is to get your spouse in the door.)

You:  Fifty-fifty custody might be a great way to share the children.  Let’s talk about that in mediation.

Spouse:  I don’t care what happens.  I’m not paying you alimony.

You:  It may be that you don’t owe any alimony.  The mediator can help us decide, and if you disagree you can always get another opinion from your own lawyer.

Note that in the above examples you acknowledge that their proposed resolution is not out of the question.  Then you make the record skip back to how great the mediation process would be.  This is not the time to stake out your positions in the case, as tempting as that may be.Remember to stay true to the mission—getting your spouse to see the mediator.  It is important to deal with that person’s fear of loss, often the biggest obstacle to getting a party through the mediator’s doors.

Mediation is the single best method of getting your divorce.  Ask any divorce attorney how they would handle their own divorce case, and if they’re honest, they’ll tell you to settle quickly and avoid going to court.

Hoping this helps you to achieve your post-divorce dreams, I urge you to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post TWO STEPS TO GET ANY SPOUSE INTO DIVORCE MEDIATION (NO MATTER HOW RELUCTANT THEY ARE) appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

We often advertise these free workshops on Facebook.  Some of the participants become customers, but mostly this is our way to give back some of the wisdom we have acquired in our own journeys.

Yet every time we post our video on Facebook we get the usual slough of negative reactions.  Mostly they convey the commenter’s disgust that we would dare to advertise our unique service on Facebook, what with families falling apart all over the place.  One commenter summed it up by simply posting “WTF”.

Far be it from me to promote divorce on Facebook.  I am a family man, involved in a healthy and successful parenting plan with my now ex wife, happily remarried, and accomplishing so much of my life’s work that it’s sometimes hard to find time to rest.  I am a married man by temperament, and for those of you who have marital bliss as I now do, God bless you.  Please scroll past our ad—our workshop’s not for you.

For the rest of you, I know that the decision to divorce is not being made whimsically or lightly.  I start from the premise that to divorce is to have to admit failure on a deep and personal level.  Divorce is almost always a financial and an emotional disaster, and it hurts kids.

I tell my seminar participants to think hard about their decision, as often times a divorce doesn’t solve the problem that the person hopes it will.  Most peoples’ problems are internal to them, not imposed upon them by other people, circumstances or the world.

But for many people, divorce is unavoidable.  In California, you don’t need a reason to divorce—if your spouse files a petition, you’re getting a divorce whether you want one or not.  Tammy and I both know this because we’ve both been there and have the receipts to prove it.

From the leaving spouse’s perspective, how much infidelity or abuse should you tolerate before concluding that the marriage should be dissolved?  I’d like to hear from our “WTF” people out there (you can write a comment to this blog below) if there is anything that your spouse could do that would cause you to end the marriage.  For example, how many extramarital affairs are you willing to tolerate?

Our free divorce workshops have helped numerous people to avoid the usual emotional and financial carnage of divorce.  Many will come to the workshop and learn that a divorce won’t solve their problems, and will be encouraged to persevere in their marriage.  Many others come to hear the transformative message that there really is life after the process is over.  We teach divorcing people to take stock of their life purpose and reflect on their personal values.  We encourage divorcing people to think long and hard about their long-term personal, family and financial goals.

Many divorcing people are reactive to the prospect of divorce, buying into the idea that once the marriage is over, the gloves come off.  We help divorcing people avoid that outlook and to adopt a healthier approach.  Our philosophy encourages parties to prosper and to salvage what is still good in their family relationships.  They are able to plan their divorce with an eye to what the future holds, instead of holding on to an irreparably broken past.

Now isn’t that outcome worth a little irritation on Facebook?

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post “WTF” AND OTHER RESPONSES TO OUR FACEBOOK ADVERTISING appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

The most maddening part of divorce is the lack of control over your own life.  Support obligations arise that eat huge chunks of your paycheck, leaving little for daily living.  You may be relegated to being a weekend parent to a teen who seems to hate your guts, who can’t see the sacrifices you have made as a parent.

You may be dealing with an ex that is always trying to twist things their way, trying to alienate the children, trying to avoid paying support or having their lawyer bury you in a pile of paperwork.

As a Carlsbad divorce lawyer, I have represented hundreds of people in your situation.  And, as a divorced lawyer I have faced and risen above this crapstorm.

The biggest key to success when you divorce or have child custody issues is to get out of the habit of blaming others.

Most people in family court make the same mistake.  When things aren’t working out for them they look for someone or something to blame.  It’s the judge who doesn’t understand what kind of person the father really is.  It’s the ex, poisoning the kids’ minds against you.  It’s her new boyfriend overstepping his role as the kids’ stepfather.  It’s the unfair system.  It’s the unfairness of divorce law.

Whatever the problem is, you’ll never solve it as long as you point to a cause outside of your control.  Here are some of examples of what’s outside your control:

• How the judge perceives you or your case and what she ultimately orders;
• Your ex’s parenting style;
• The behavior of her new mate;
• Your teen’s rebellious and surly attitude;
• The amount of your divorce lawyer’s bill;
• What your ex says about you to the kids;
• Your ex’s house rules.

Is there anything about your post-separation family life you can control?  Absolutely.  How about these:

• Your cooperation with the judge’s orders;
• Your parenting style;
• Your response to your ex’s new mate.
• Your joy even when your teen is rebellious and surly;
• How you use attorney services to get the most bang for your buck;
• Your support for the other parent’s parenting
• Your house rules.

Don’t forget the serenity prayer:  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to  change the things I can, and the wisdom to  know the difference.”

Here’s a clue regarding that difference-knowing wisdom:  The things we can control are usually internal to us:  our attitude, our effort, our drive, our behavior.

The things we usually can’t control are conversely external to us:  our ex, our children’s behavior, the amount of support ordered, opposing counsel, our expenses.  Remember the wisdom of St. Paul when he wrote:  “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”  Phil. 4:11b.  Paul was writing from a Roman prison!

When you achieve mastery over your inner state, your attitude, you can walk into court with a smile on your face that makes your ex wonder what you’ve got up your sleeve.  Your attitude will win over your surly teen.  Who knows?  Maybe even your ex will start being nice.

When it comes to joy, I am reminded of something Brendon Bruchard said:  “the power plant doesn’t have energy; it generates energy.”  In the same way you can be more joyous, be more patient, be more cooperative, be a better parent.

Don’t waste your energy trying to change things that are outside of your control.  When you start doing that, you’ll start doing better in family court and you’ll be a much happier person.  Until next time,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE, CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN: WISDOM FROM A CARLSBAD DIVORCE(D) LAWYER appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.