My (divorced) mother recently asked me this question:  Why are divorces so expensive?  Her answer was, “because they’re worth it!”

She should know, given the riches she forked over to attorneys who gladly took her money and fed her resentment toward my father.  I love my mother more than life itself, but she would have been well served to read this page before she plunked down those hefty retainers.  Sadly, I was a young law student at the time of her divorce and had little to offer her other than the standard lawyer technical gobbledygook.

10 years ago I was a devoted husband to my young bride, with 2 toddler boys.  I had been practicing in the field of workers’ compensation defense for about 19 years at the time, having tried hundreds of cases before the California Workers’ Compensation Appeals Board and other tribunals and courts.

Then, suddenly, I became a litigant when my now ex-wife announced that she wanted a divorce.  My world turned upside-down.  What should I do first?  I knew nothing about California divorce law, but I was a lawyer, and I thought, well, I can figure this out if anyone can.

My first stop along the way was Dr. Deena Stacer’s high conflict class.  That’s a class the court often orders when parents can’t get along.  I was not ordered to take the class, but found out about it through a mutual friend.

The class was a godsend!  I certainly learned how divorce litigation generates the worst forms of self-defeating behaviors.  I created Divorce Life Solutions out of a passion to help others avoid shooting themselves in the foot during divorce and child custody litigation.

One epiphany was that the litigation itself was devastating to the people involved, decimating to their financial security and destructive to their happiness.  I also saw litigants spending tens, and sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars walking down that path.  Sorry, mom, but it’s not worth all that.

I decided to turn lemons into lemonade and you can, too.  I have discovered ways to use legal services in targeted ways that avoid the thousands involved in having a divorce specialist on retainer.  I have learned a set of behaviors that can transform your divorce from a grueling scorched-earth battle to a transformative experience where you achieve your dreams.

So, yes, you can save huge dough and avoid the pain and heartache of divorce litigation—simultaneously!

Look at some of the past issues for some great tips.  I have some tools that will help you to chart your course if you will subscribe to my blog.  But more importantly, I have hard won wisdom from having succeeded in creating my own great post divorce life, have a wonderful and satisfying relationship to my boys (now aged 12 and 13) and truly achieving my dreams.  I did it and you can to.

So, tune in for next week and until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post It’s True: You Really Can Divorce Inexpensively While Achieving Your Dreams And Here’s How… appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

STEP ONE:  DECIDE IF DIVORCE REALLY YOUR BEST OPTION:

If you are the victim of intolerable cruelty, constant angry attacks or, God forbid, physical abuse, it’s time to get out.  Contact your local domestic violence shelter.  They have experienced counselors who can help you escape frank abuse.

For the rest of you, I’m not going to judge the reason for the breakup, but I will say that most people have soluble problems.  I have written in other contexts that one should always count the costs.  Divorce is financially devastating, emotionally painful to you, your spouse, your friends and your extended family, and generally harmful to children.  True, children are harmed when marital conflict descends into deep disrespect of the other or violence.  But consider the long term effect, and that most marital problems are temporary and soluble.  Be sure this is the last resort, because once a divorce announcement is made or a petition filed, it’s nearly impossible to go back.

STEP TWO:  HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR EX:

If divorce is really inevitable, it is vital that you keep the carnage to a minimum.  A compassionate conversation with the soon-to-be-ex is important, because of what I call the “trust tax.”

The trust tax is the cost of doing business in a low-trust environment.  Consider international disputes that result in warfare.  Each nation demonizes the other and feels justified in defeating them by any means possible.  Warfare results in mass death and financial ruin.

To prevent a divorce that looks like international warfare, be compassionate, even if you are the left spouse.  It helps to understand that the leaving spouse is not a demon out to ruin your happiness.  In every divorce there is responsibility on both sides, no matter how minimal, and it helps to own your own part emotionally, even if you don’t express it.  You need to see your soon-to-be-ex in human terms.

From the children’s perspective, a high trust co-parenting relationship is vastly superior to a low trust, high-conflict one.  If staying together is impossible, you’ll need to be able to cooperate for the sake of the children.

Whn having this conversation, plan to discuss:

• Where are each of you going to live while this gets sorted out.
• What should the temporary parenting schedule be?
• Who will pay which bills?
• What support arrangements are necessary?
• Should we try mediation to resolve all the issues?

STEP THREE:  HAVE A FINANCIAL PLAN TO GET THROUGH THE EARLY STAGES:

If you are going to do a “cut and run” divorce, and avoid difficult conversations or mediation, get ready to spend.  A litigated divorce with divorce lawyers on each side is going to cost you about $20,000 or more for each party.  If you don’t have that kind of dough, see step two above.

I recommend having $3,000 to $5,000 on hand, or a credit card that can be charged in that amount, before initiating the legal process.  You’re going to need some professional help down the road even if you file your own petition.

Consider your budget and how you intend to support yourself during the process.  Leaving without a plan is a sure formula for disaster.

Before you raid the joint accounts, consider the effect that will have on trust.  Remember that the cost of your divorce will be inversely related to the level of trust that you are able to build with your ex.

Hoping this advice helps easy your journey down this rocky path, I urge you to:

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post EXPERT CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER SHARES THREE STEPS TO FINANCIAL SECURITY IN THE EARLY STAGES OF DIVORCE. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.