How many of you read the title to this post and thought “impossible?”  or “How do I have a conversation with someone who hates me?”

I’ll turn this around:  how can you find your mutual interest in resolving conflict if you don’t have a conversation?

Please understand that I’m not talking about situations that have turned violent or involve restraining orders.  If there is a domestic violence restraining order, it’s best to obey that order to the letter and speak through attorneys or other intermediaries.

But for the rest of us, if you are getting a divorce, it’s time to have a tough conversation.  It will be tough, because trust is likely at a low ebb.  But if you can identify your common interests going forward, you’re far less likely to build an armed camp, complete with a hired bazooka of an attorney.  Common interests include:

• Avoiding the huge fees that accompany legal battles;
• Avoiding the upsetting experience of repeated court confrontations between you and your ex;
• Setting up respectful communication between co-parents;
• Ensuring that you get to keep your parent-child and other family relationships;
• Controlling the outcome voluntarily (instead of submitting problems to third-party decision-makers);
• Finding win-win solutions to problems.

Divorce always involves difficult conversations.  For one thing, you have to talk to your kids in a way that reassures them of your commitment to love them, while being respectful of the other parent.

But perhaps the most important conversation is the one you have early in the process, with your soon-to-be-ex.  You need to get on the same page about resolving the estate, support and child rearing.  Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation:

1.  Left spouses, accept your spouse’s decision to end the marriage.  As a left spouse, I learned early on that once someone has decided to divorce, they are usually resolute and over the relationship.  As I tell my clients, assume that your spouse is “stick a fork in him/her, done with the relationship.”  Your pleading for reconsideration will not help at all, and will hurt by directing energy away from exploring shared interests.

2.  Leaving spouses, be resolute.  This does not mean that your soon-to-be-ex should find out they are divorcing from a process server.  It is important, when making “the announcement,” to consider the feelings of the other.  I recommend using what I call the “and stance.”  It goes like this:  “Mike, we need to talk.  I’ve decided that I am going to seek a divorce.  And  I’d like it to be amicable and peaceful, if possible.  And, I know that this may be coming as a shock to you. And I recognize that you think that we should be able to work things out.   And, I’m not changing my mind.  And,  I think we need to talk about how to proceed with this so that we don’t involve lawyers and wind up battling in court.  And, I know that this will have a big impact on our kids.  And I can see that you’re hurt. And,  I’m not changing my mind.

The “and stance” sets up the paradigm of cooperation from the start, while showing empathy.  It sets up the paradigm of “Husband and Wife versus the problems.”  It gets you out of the adversarial stance.

3.  Avoid rehashing what went on in the marriage.  If your spouse wants to go there, gently redirect them to the problems at hand, which are, saving money, avoiding conflict, avoiding court, co-parenting children, etc.

4.  By all means, avoid attributions.  By attributions, I mean statements that begin with words like “you always…”, “you never …”, or “That’s what you always do …”  Instead, start from a posture that assumes the basic decency of the other, and that you have some mutual problems to solve.  The truth is, your soon-to-be-ex can be your greatest ally in reducing costs and achieving mutually beneficial outcomes.

MEDIATION:

The problem we all have is that we are trying to have this conversation at a time of high emotion.  Often the situation can seem impossible, which is why I recommend the assistance of a trained mediator.  As a mediator, I am not just trained in the law; I am trained in the art of having difficult conversations.  I know how to handle the emotional minefield that is discussing divorce issues.  And I know how to keep the conversation on the rails for the benefit of the parties.  If you can get your spouse to just come in, we can almost always get you on to a cooperative footing.

Next week I will discuss some of the opt-outs of litigation, including mediation, in more detail.  Until then, I remain…

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

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Have you ever wished that your divorce case could be amicable?  That you could cut through the BS and the fighting and just get your ex to accept reason?

The difficulties are structural, that is, built into the nature of the divorce system.  It’s hard to have an amicable divorce when:

• The spouses have strongly conflicting emotions regarding the family breakup;
• The spouses are at different stages of acceptance about the divorce;
• The divorce process requires an adversarial lawsuit in court with winners and losers;
• The laws are not designed to achieve fairness or justice.

Having an amicable divorce is easy if there is no marital property, no children, the spouses are both self-supporting, in short, if there are no issues to fight about.  But for the rest of us, there are some strategies that, when used from the outset, will make an amicable divorce much more likely.  This is true even in large estates, marriages with children or where one spouse is in need of significant financial support from the other.

I can’t guarantee that you’ll have an amicable divorce, because much depends on the behavior and attitude of the other person.  What I can tell you is that there are certain attitudes and tactics that will make an amicable divorce much more likely, whether or not the other person also does them.  I’d like to take each one separately, so stay tuned for the next 4 weeks.

Here are 4 solid attitudes/tactics that will put you on the road to saving money and heartache on the road to dissolving your marriage:

1.  Don’t be a hater—try to see the situation from his/her point of view.

2.  Have a mediated conversation with the other person.

3.  Opt out of the adversarial system.

4.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Tactic one:  Don’t Be a Hater.

It should come as no surprise that most people’s exes are not their favorite person.  Many people I know harbor resentment and anger toward their ex for years and years following the divorce.

In the classic book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, the author describes the famous bank robber Al Capone as feeling that he himself was misunderstood.  Though a hardened criminal and murderer, Capone saw himself as a good person.

I don’t know your ex—but I know this much about him/her:  He or she does not share your negative view of him/her.  He or she may think of himself/herself as the wronged party.

Even if the other person has destroyed your life with drinking, or has had multiple affairs, there is some level on which they feel justified and wronged.  It is vital to humanize that person, and not treat them merely as someone to be opposed at every turn.

Humanizing the other party is not the same thing as saying that everything they did was okay.  It’s operating on the proposition that everyone acts out of an ultimate motive to be happy, though some people have a twisted way of going about it.  If you are a leaving spouse, it’s important for you to understand the impact of your decision on the other, even as you remain resolute in your decision.  The other person may cling hard to what is left of their family life.  Many fathers will find new interest in the children that they didn’t have before the breakup.  Many will react with fear to the prospect of financial loss.  For many, money equates to survival.

If you are the left spouse it is often hard to think beyond the tragedy and loss you are experiencing.  But try to remember that no decision to divorce is taken lightly, and most people don’t pull the trigger on leaving until they feel that it is their only option.

By contrast, hating and fighting in litigation is self-reinforcing.  The satisfaction you feel at taking him to the cleaners is short lived, and often not worth the thousands in legal fees.  In my experience, the deeper the parties get in spending on litigation, the more they feel they have to keep going.  And, even after the trial and the court’s judgment, post judgment issues such as support and child custody guarantee the opportunity for future rematches.

I will repeat what I have said in earlier posts:  saving money on divorce depends on creating trust—not the trust that you had when you were married, but the trust that says that I’m not going to try and screw you, I’m not going to try and alienate the children from you, and I’m going to follow through on my commitments.

Deciding not to fight the divorce battle from two armed camps is not the same thing as waiving the white flag of surrender.  I’m not suggesting that you abandon your own interests for the sake of peace.  Such a peace is an illusion, coming as it does at your expense.

What I am suggesting is that you take steps at the outset to understand the other’s concerns so that you can talk more easily about the issues and ultimately opt out of the traditional litigated system.

Your kids and your wallet will thank you.

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post FIRST OF FOUR SECRETS TO AN AMICABLE DIVORCE: Don’t Be A Hater. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is Thomas Ferreira, your family law mediator and lawyer in Carlsbad California. Today I want to talk about how to involve a family law expert in your case while staying self-represented.

Are you facing child custody, divorce or another family law problem and wondering how you’ll get through the process without spending huge money on an attorney? Or perhaps you’re wondering how on earth you’re going to afford an attorney.

If this is you, I’ve got some valuable information to share, information that can save you thousands and protect your sanity and happiness.

A recent paper on self-represented and represented divorce litigants discusses surveys of both represented and unrepresented family law litigants, and contains these surprising results:

Sixty-four percent of represented people hired a lawyer because they wanted an expert to represent them.
However, self-represented divorcees had the same level of positive reaction to their court experience as those with lawyers (64 % compared to 63%), but had fewer dissatisfied and very dissatisfied reactions (16% versus 29%).
Self-representeds were more likely to report that they understood the divorce decree.
Self-representeds were less likely to seek a modification of the judge’s decision.
70% said they would represent themselves again.
What to do? My advice is to get educated on the process first. You need to know what you don’t know, and there are great resources that are available for free to get you started on understanding the process. Our office will soon be offering a free video series on what I call the 4 “Ps” of a successful divorce experience: Purpose, Planning, Process and avoiding Pitfalls.

You can use attorneys only when necessary—such as to appear for a hearing if you feel uncomfortable representing yourself, drafting a pleading or preparing settlement documents. This is called “limited scope representation.”

Take advantage of workshops in your jurisdiction and go watch some court hearings at your local courthouse. Our office offers free monthly workshops and webinars to give you the information you need. That will help you gain confidence in handling representation.

I’ve said before that the most cost-effective way to use divorce experts is through the mediation process. In mediation, you can meet with a lawyer or other professional whose role is to facilitate a conversation, not engage in battle. Self-directed divorce and custody resolutions will better stand the test of time, keep you out of court, maintain your ability to co-parent and lead to vastly more satisfied parties.

Most mediators will do all your paperwork and the required financial disclosures. The product of mediation is a divorce decree that is your own, and not the product of a third-party decision maker.

Mediation is the single best way to a successful result that benefits all parties and children. For an absolutely free explanation of how this works, feel free to give me a call.

I am …

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post THE BEST OF ALL DIVORCE/CHILD CUSTODY WORLDS: SELF-REPRESENTATION WITH MEDIATION appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Here’s a question: Do you know you and your spouse’s net worth? How close are you to retirement? Do you have a dream job or career that you’d love to transition into, perhaps something that your spouse has been opposed to? Do you fear that you’ll never be able to make it happen?

Perhaps you’re wondering how you will afford the legal fees and costs of a divorce, or whether, for the sake of your children, you can afford to keep the home where your family lives.

Answering these questions up front, before you go into the battle, will save you thousands in attorneys fees and help you to think clearly when solving problems. Moreover, those who are well organized and prepared tend to be more confident in court. Imagine that you are appearing in court with all your information at your fingertips, while your opposition flounders and guesses.

When my now ex-wife made the announcement that she was leaving 10 years ago, my first stop was to the family filing cabinet, and my second stop to the local Kinkos. I secured copies of these important documents:

All refinancing documents and closing papers for the homes that she and I had owned, including the one we were living in;
Fliers for the sale of those homes;
Most recent pay stubs;
Our last 3 years of income tax returns;
The most recent deed and mortgage statements for our home;
The most recent credit card and loan statements;
The latest statements for my 401(k) plan (I did not have an IRA)
Ownership and valuations of stock I owned in the firm I was then working for
6 months of checking and saving account statements;
Car payment records and other secured debt
Life insurance documents.
This is only a partial list. The court form titled FL-142, lists the documents you should attach when you are doing your financial disclosures, and can be used as a worksheet for this planning.

Plotting out my estate helped me greatly when my ex and I sat down for divorce mediation. You see, at the time of our marriage I already owned a home with very significant equity. I was entitled to reimbursement for that value under Family Code section 2640. Yet the mediator was ready to divide our home equity 50-50 between the parties. I said, “nay, nay,” and asserted my right to reimbursed for my separate contribution to the equity in our home.

Planning ahead can help you to be quick on your feet when an issue like this comes up. So I advise putting all assets and debts on a spreadsheet, and knowing what’s in the estate, and its value, before initiating proceedings. Click here to get a free asset and debt spreadsheet template. Look at some of the comparable sales in your neighborhood or go on www.zillow.com to get a rough estimate of your home’s value (you’ll eventually need a professional appraisal if the issue comes up in court, but this will give you an idea). Go to www.kbb.com to evaluate your cars.

Armed with this information, you’ll know what’s available to solve important problems, such as whether you can buy your spouse’s interest in the family home, or how to achieve your retirement goals.

I certainly wish you success and happiness along the journey you are taking. There’s going to be some hard work involved, but with good planning, your work will definitely pay off!

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post THRIVING DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: KNOW WHAT YOU OWN AND OWE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I’m Thomas Ferreira, your divorce and child custody mediator and lawyer in Carlsbad, serving North San Diego County and Riverside County with family legal services.

Have you ever been laying awake at night wondering just how much support you’re going to have to pay?  Or maybe you’re cause of insomnia is how much support you should expect each month and how you’re going to make ends meet.

I was in precisely that situation back in 2005 when my wife and the mother of my two children announced that she wanted a divorce.  What I learned is that some advanced planning can make the difference between playing defense (handling the support question as it came up) and playing offense (knowing the situation I was facing and proactively planning my position).  Many family law litigants waste time and money having the court calculate their support.  A typical Request for Order on support can cost you $2,000 in legal fees, and the questions are often no more difficult than entering some figures into the DissoMaster support calculator.

If you can have a conversation about what each party needs and if you can get a calculation of your support, either on line or through a provider such as this office, you’ll be way ahead of the game financially and also you’ll be taking a huge step toward building trust with your ex, trust that you can use to help you get your case resolved cheaply and with minimal conflict and litigation costs.

What You’ll Need to Plan for Support—What You Make and What You Spend:

Spousal support (also referred to as alimony or spousal maintenance) is normally awarded where there is a disparity between the earnings of the spouses, and hence their ability to support themselves.  Spousal support is complex, and for a discussion of how it’s calculated, see my blog series on that subject.

In the vast majority of cases, child support is awarded according to a formula in the family code, usually referred to by the court as “guideline” child support.  The data you need here are the percentage of time that the child or children live with you (the number of hours during the week they are in your home or under your care divided by the number of hours in a week (168)), and the Gross income of each parent.  There are some other data pieces, but those are the biggest 2 factors.

To plan for support, you need an idea of what you earn and what you spend.  For planning on this, get your laptop and your latte, and create an excel spread sheet.  Contact my office and I’ll send you an excellent spreadsheet for this purpose.  Gather together the following papers, if you have access to them:

• Pay stubs for your last 3 months of work;
• A profit and loss statement and your accounting data if you are self-employed;
• Your most recent federal and state tax returns;
• your checking and savings account statements for the past 3 to 6 months.

Attorneys and judges use support calculators such as DissoMaster to calculate support, but you need the raw data.  In California family court, judges use the information from the Income and Expense Declaration (click the link to see the form) to give them the data to do the calculation.  So you’ll want to download that document and use it as a worksheet.  Enter average figures for all areas of your spending, including your monthly bills, utilities, food, clothing, entertainment, car expenses, educational expenses and etc.

But don’t stop there.  Whether you are a paying or supported spouse, you’ll need to know what you’ll need to move out, or to continue living in the marital residence, if that’s your plan.  So do a “needs” budget as well as a “current spending budget.”  I have a worksheet you can access for this by clicking here. This will help you to plan how you will survive and thrive following the breakup.

Whether you resolve your case through mediation, self-represent or hire a lawyer, this planning will be invaluable to keeping your costs down and making firm and wise decisions regarding your finances and children.  If you need assistance in this, please contact my office.  We offer a free initial consultation to help get you started. We can run the DissoMaster support calculator and tell you what you likely would pay or receive for spousal support and child support.

Whether you decide to use our services, I have a passion to help you succeed in your endeavors, and at least we’ll get you off on a solid footing as you move through the divorce process.

I remain …

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

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