But most are overwhelmed, afraid, confused, furious or some combination of the above.  I’d like to ask you, where are you today?  If the answer involves strong emotions, the tendency is to react to those emotions with short-term solutions.  If you’re afraid, you’re likely to defend your property and parenting time aggressively.  If you’re angry, you may instruct your attorney to pull out all the stops, and make life unpleasant for the other.  Many spouses go on a mad hunt for that hidden asset that they know is out there, or pursue the goal of “50-50 custody” by attacking the other’s parenting or manipulating the children.

It is often said that people facing criminal charges are bad people behaving at their best, while divorcing people are good people behaving at their worst.  Consider the guy who knocked over the local 7-11 store.  His lawyer will dress him in a business suit and tie, hide the tattoos, and tell him to speak gently and kindly.  Divorcing people are almost always every-day folks who are angry, overwhelmed, confused or afraid.  They act out these strong emotions by writing nasty court declarations, grasping at every penny the can, having conflict outside of court and even trying lobby the kids to like them better than they like your ex.

This is what almost everyone does, especially in the hard-fought cases.  But I have to ask you, is that really you?

I’d like to challenge you to take out a pen and paper right now where you’re sitting.  At the top of the paper, write a title “My Best Self.”  below that write down your 5 best qualities when you’re being your very best self.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Okay, what did you come up with?  When I do the exercise, what comes up for me is the following list:

1.  I am generous, sacrificing what I want those that I love.

2.  I am patient, listening with my heart as well as with my ears, and striving to understand the other.

3.  I am happy, looking forward to what each day will bring, and rejoicing in its abundance.

4.  I am forgiving, letting go of past wrongs and understanding that everyone makes mistakes.

5.  I am loving, forming and maintaining deep relationships with my friends and family.

When I went through my divorce 10 years ago, my fear and anger made me stingy, impatient, unhappy, spiteful and hateful.  My feelings toward my ex tended to bleed over into my other relationships, and I found myself trapped in a negative mindset.  I had to step back and ask, is that really me?

We all have a tendency to slip into negative mindsets at times, especially trying times like divorce.  When that happens, we must dust off our diaries (you do keep a diary, don’t you?) and take inventory.  Write down what you are currently bringing to the world.  Is it joy?  Positivity? Encouragement?  Are you being a great parent because you know how important you are to your kids?

Or are you being manipulative, penny-pinching, bitter and negative?  Be honest with yourself.

Divorce is a great time to take a personal inventory, and get on track to your life’s real purpose.  I don’t know you, but I can bet your life purpose isn’t to bring bitterness to the world, but to bring sweetness.  It isn’t to bring darkness, but light.  It isn’t to model stinginess to your children, but generosity.

You may not be able to control your ex’s attacking, bitter, resentful way of being in the world, but you can control your own responses to this transition called divorce.  Seen this way, divorce can be a time of reprioritizing, a time of changing course, a time to re-create your very best self.

In the hope that you’ve received some inspiration from this post, I urge you to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR SAYS: DON’T LET YOUR DIVORCE DEFINE WHO YOU ARE! appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

We often advertise these free workshops on Facebook.  Some of the participants become customers, but mostly this is our way to give back some of the wisdom we have acquired in our own journeys.

Yet every time we post our video on Facebook we get the usual slough of negative reactions.  Mostly they convey the commenter’s disgust that we would dare to advertise our unique service on Facebook, what with families falling apart all over the place.  One commenter summed it up by simply posting “WTF”.

Far be it from me to promote divorce on Facebook.  I am a family man, involved in a healthy and successful parenting plan with my now ex wife, happily remarried, and accomplishing so much of my life’s work that it’s sometimes hard to find time to rest.  I am a married man by temperament, and for those of you who have marital bliss as I now do, God bless you.  Please scroll past our ad—our workshop’s not for you.

For the rest of you, I know that the decision to divorce is not being made whimsically or lightly.  I start from the premise that to divorce is to have to admit failure on a deep and personal level.  Divorce is almost always a financial and an emotional disaster, and it hurts kids.

I tell my seminar participants to think hard about their decision, as often times a divorce doesn’t solve the problem that the person hopes it will.  Most peoples’ problems are internal to them, not imposed upon them by other people, circumstances or the world.

But for many people, divorce is unavoidable.  In California, you don’t need a reason to divorce—if your spouse files a petition, you’re getting a divorce whether you want one or not.  Tammy and I both know this because we’ve both been there and have the receipts to prove it.

From the leaving spouse’s perspective, how much infidelity or abuse should you tolerate before concluding that the marriage should be dissolved?  I’d like to hear from our “WTF” people out there (you can write a comment to this blog below) if there is anything that your spouse could do that would cause you to end the marriage.  For example, how many extramarital affairs are you willing to tolerate?

Our free divorce workshops have helped numerous people to avoid the usual emotional and financial carnage of divorce.  Many will come to the workshop and learn that a divorce won’t solve their problems, and will be encouraged to persevere in their marriage.  Many others come to hear the transformative message that there really is life after the process is over.  We teach divorcing people to take stock of their life purpose and reflect on their personal values.  We encourage divorcing people to think long and hard about their long-term personal, family and financial goals.

Many divorcing people are reactive to the prospect of divorce, buying into the idea that once the marriage is over, the gloves come off.  We help divorcing people avoid that outlook and to adopt a healthier approach.  Our philosophy encourages parties to prosper and to salvage what is still good in their family relationships.  They are able to plan their divorce with an eye to what the future holds, instead of holding on to an irreparably broken past.

Now isn’t that outcome worth a little irritation on Facebook?

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post “WTF” AND OTHER RESPONSES TO OUR FACEBOOK ADVERTISING appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.