Thomas Ferreira here, your Carlsbad divorce attorney and mediator serving all of North San Diego County (and some of Riverside County too!).

Let me wish you a happy new year and much prosperity and happiness in your post-divorce life.

But wait a minute, you say.  I’ve been toughing out the holidays, trying to get through, and I’ve needed a divorce for months.  How do I get started?  What do I say to my soon-to-be-ex.

Or, perhaps you are on the receiving end if the announcement, and having that “holy crap” moment.  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by all of the legalities, or the practicalities of pulling apart.  Perhaps you’re feeling lightheaded and a little foggy.

I’m not a physician, but I know a case of “divorce brain” when I see one.  You’re at the beginning stage of your breakup, and you don’t know how to talk to your ex, talk to your kids, or who of the many attorneys to hire.  Here are some easy steps to deal with divorce brain.

Step One:  See the end from the beginning.

If you have divorce brain, it’s often caused by having to make life-changing decisions while feeling grief, anxiety or profound confusion.  In this state, it is tempting to throw the case in the lap of that family law specialist with the fancy office.  Hey, she must be good, else how could she afford that fancy wood-paneled office and army of employees?

That approach is usually a mistake.  Yes, research and find the best attorney or mediator, but that’s not the first step.  The first step is often backward, so that you can see the whole picture.

Hope is the gasoline in the tank of the human spirit.  But how to you have hope when your world is caving in?  It takes some work, but it can be done.

Find a quite place where you can’t be disturbed, and do some dreaming.  What would your post-divorce life look  like if you could have an ideal life without your ex?  Where would you live?  How would you raise your kids?  How much would you earn? What would you be doing?  Who would you be seeing?

Ahh, that’s better.  Now, put pen to paper and write out a description of your post-divorce life.  Think big.  What family traditions will you start with your children?  What career path will you take? 

Step Two:  Write out some specific  goals for your post-divorce life.

Where do you want to be in 5 years?  Ten years?  Write out specific goals for your:

1.  Income.

2.  Parent-child Relationships.

3.  New mate (or lack thereof).

4.  Hobbies (cuz you’ve got to have some art in your life).

5. Friendships.

6. Retirement.

Then put on some soft music (or white  noise).  Meditation music, new age or classical is best.  Imagine that you’re already there, enjoying the satisfaction of attaining each goal.  Then imagine that you are telling a friend the pathway you took to getting there.  Write this part out, and be specific.  Something like this:

I was scared at first, but I knew that I’d always wanted to be an investment advisor.  I looked on line and found a 1-year training program.  I worked really hard and graduated in the top of my class.  My first job made just $5,000 per month, but I stuck with it.  I started a blog online, and soon people were coming to me for advice from all over.  I started doing workshops giving financial advice and a year after I started, I filled up a hotel ball room with 500 people.  Man, I had those people in the palm of my hand.  I was giving them great information, and they were paying $100 per ticket.  After paying for the room I netted $40,000 for the speaking gig.  Wow it felt good to watch that money flow  into my bank account…

Step Three:  Now plan your divorce strategy.

Notice here what’s not likely to come up.  Hiring the most expensive lawyer isn’t going to get you there.  You may wish to try and build some trust with your soon-to-be ex and maybe get the case into mediation.  You’re not going to play out your marital conflict through the litigation.  You’re not going to hang on to  old promises and broken dreams.  You’re going to move  forward, settle your case, and get to work on your dream post-divorce life.

Remember, the best revenge is, indeed, living well.

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post HOW TO OVERCOME DIVORCE BRAIN IN THREE EASY STEPS. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

How many of you read the title to this post and thought “impossible?”  or “How do I have a conversation with someone who hates me?”

I’ll turn this around:  how can you find your mutual interest in resolving conflict if you don’t have a conversation?

Please understand that I’m not talking about situations that have turned violent or involve restraining orders.  If there is a domestic violence restraining order, it’s best to obey that order to the letter and speak through attorneys or other intermediaries.

But for the rest of us, if you are getting a divorce, it’s time to have a tough conversation.  It will be tough, because trust is likely at a low ebb.  But if you can identify your common interests going forward, you’re far less likely to build an armed camp, complete with a hired bazooka of an attorney.  Common interests include:

• Avoiding the huge fees that accompany legal battles;
• Avoiding the upsetting experience of repeated court confrontations between you and your ex;
• Setting up respectful communication between co-parents;
• Ensuring that you get to keep your parent-child and other family relationships;
• Controlling the outcome voluntarily (instead of submitting problems to third-party decision-makers);
• Finding win-win solutions to problems.

Divorce always involves difficult conversations.  For one thing, you have to talk to your kids in a way that reassures them of your commitment to love them, while being respectful of the other parent.

But perhaps the most important conversation is the one you have early in the process, with your soon-to-be-ex.  You need to get on the same page about resolving the estate, support and child rearing.  Here are some tips on how to approach the conversation:

1.  Left spouses, accept your spouse’s decision to end the marriage.  As a left spouse, I learned early on that once someone has decided to divorce, they are usually resolute and over the relationship.  As I tell my clients, assume that your spouse is “stick a fork in him/her, done with the relationship.”  Your pleading for reconsideration will not help at all, and will hurt by directing energy away from exploring shared interests.

2.  Leaving spouses, be resolute.  This does not mean that your soon-to-be-ex should find out they are divorcing from a process server.  It is important, when making “the announcement,” to consider the feelings of the other.  I recommend using what I call the “and stance.”  It goes like this:  “Mike, we need to talk.  I’ve decided that I am going to seek a divorce.  And  I’d like it to be amicable and peaceful, if possible.  And, I know that this may be coming as a shock to you. And I recognize that you think that we should be able to work things out.   And, I’m not changing my mind.  And,  I think we need to talk about how to proceed with this so that we don’t involve lawyers and wind up battling in court.  And, I know that this will have a big impact on our kids.  And I can see that you’re hurt. And,  I’m not changing my mind.

The “and stance” sets up the paradigm of cooperation from the start, while showing empathy.  It sets up the paradigm of “Husband and Wife versus the problems.”  It gets you out of the adversarial stance.

3.  Avoid rehashing what went on in the marriage.  If your spouse wants to go there, gently redirect them to the problems at hand, which are, saving money, avoiding conflict, avoiding court, co-parenting children, etc.

4.  By all means, avoid attributions.  By attributions, I mean statements that begin with words like “you always…”, “you never …”, or “That’s what you always do …”  Instead, start from a posture that assumes the basic decency of the other, and that you have some mutual problems to solve.  The truth is, your soon-to-be-ex can be your greatest ally in reducing costs and achieving mutually beneficial outcomes.

MEDIATION:

The problem we all have is that we are trying to have this conversation at a time of high emotion.  Often the situation can seem impossible, which is why I recommend the assistance of a trained mediator.  As a mediator, I am not just trained in the law; I am trained in the art of having difficult conversations.  I know how to handle the emotional minefield that is discussing divorce issues.  And I know how to keep the conversation on the rails for the benefit of the parties.  If you can get your spouse to just come in, we can almost always get you on to a cooperative footing.

Next week I will discuss some of the opt-outs of litigation, including mediation, in more detail.  Until then, I remain…

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post SECRET NUMBER TWO FOR AN AMICABLE DIVORCE: HAVE THE CONVERSATION appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Have you ever wished that your divorce case could be amicable?  That you could cut through the BS and the fighting and just get your ex to accept reason?

The difficulties are structural, that is, built into the nature of the divorce system.  It’s hard to have an amicable divorce when:

• The spouses have strongly conflicting emotions regarding the family breakup;
• The spouses are at different stages of acceptance about the divorce;
• The divorce process requires an adversarial lawsuit in court with winners and losers;
• The laws are not designed to achieve fairness or justice.

Having an amicable divorce is easy if there is no marital property, no children, the spouses are both self-supporting, in short, if there are no issues to fight about.  But for the rest of us, there are some strategies that, when used from the outset, will make an amicable divorce much more likely.  This is true even in large estates, marriages with children or where one spouse is in need of significant financial support from the other.

I can’t guarantee that you’ll have an amicable divorce, because much depends on the behavior and attitude of the other person.  What I can tell you is that there are certain attitudes and tactics that will make an amicable divorce much more likely, whether or not the other person also does them.  I’d like to take each one separately, so stay tuned for the next 4 weeks.

Here are 4 solid attitudes/tactics that will put you on the road to saving money and heartache on the road to dissolving your marriage:

1.  Don’t be a hater—try to see the situation from his/her point of view.

2.  Have a mediated conversation with the other person.

3.  Opt out of the adversarial system.

4.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Tactic one:  Don’t Be a Hater.

It should come as no surprise that most people’s exes are not their favorite person.  Many people I know harbor resentment and anger toward their ex for years and years following the divorce.

In the classic book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, the author describes the famous bank robber Al Capone as feeling that he himself was misunderstood.  Though a hardened criminal and murderer, Capone saw himself as a good person.

I don’t know your ex—but I know this much about him/her:  He or she does not share your negative view of him/her.  He or she may think of himself/herself as the wronged party.

Even if the other person has destroyed your life with drinking, or has had multiple affairs, there is some level on which they feel justified and wronged.  It is vital to humanize that person, and not treat them merely as someone to be opposed at every turn.

Humanizing the other party is not the same thing as saying that everything they did was okay.  It’s operating on the proposition that everyone acts out of an ultimate motive to be happy, though some people have a twisted way of going about it.  If you are a leaving spouse, it’s important for you to understand the impact of your decision on the other, even as you remain resolute in your decision.  The other person may cling hard to what is left of their family life.  Many fathers will find new interest in the children that they didn’t have before the breakup.  Many will react with fear to the prospect of financial loss.  For many, money equates to survival.

If you are the left spouse it is often hard to think beyond the tragedy and loss you are experiencing.  But try to remember that no decision to divorce is taken lightly, and most people don’t pull the trigger on leaving until they feel that it is their only option.

By contrast, hating and fighting in litigation is self-reinforcing.  The satisfaction you feel at taking him to the cleaners is short lived, and often not worth the thousands in legal fees.  In my experience, the deeper the parties get in spending on litigation, the more they feel they have to keep going.  And, even after the trial and the court’s judgment, post judgment issues such as support and child custody guarantee the opportunity for future rematches.

I will repeat what I have said in earlier posts:  saving money on divorce depends on creating trust—not the trust that you had when you were married, but the trust that says that I’m not going to try and screw you, I’m not going to try and alienate the children from you, and I’m going to follow through on my commitments.

Deciding not to fight the divorce battle from two armed camps is not the same thing as waiving the white flag of surrender.  I’m not suggesting that you abandon your own interests for the sake of peace.  Such a peace is an illusion, coming as it does at your expense.

What I am suggesting is that you take steps at the outset to understand the other’s concerns so that you can talk more easily about the issues and ultimately opt out of the traditional litigated system.

Your kids and your wallet will thank you.

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post FIRST OF FOUR SECRETS TO AN AMICABLE DIVORCE: Don’t Be A Hater. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.