Last week I summarized 12 steps to financial security during and after the divorce, and here’s the first one:  getting a handle on your emotions.

If you want financial security you need to have equanimity, that is, self-possession and calm amid the crapstorm.  In child custody cases you’ll need to be imperturbable when the other parent tries to throw you off center.  For financial issues you’ll need to channel your inner mathematician, someone who can make wise decisions under pressure.  You need the ability to bring the joy, even when others try to tear you down.

You really can be calm, and even joyful during your divorce process. I’ve lived this and watched countless others live it too.  Here are some ideas about how to get through the post-announcement doldrums.

Bad emotions will cause you to make bad mistakes.  Among these mistakes are:

• Sending nasty text messages and e-mails that can be used against you later;
• Posting nasty things on social media;
• Dumping your case on an aggressive divorce attorney and creating a plan for revenge rather than for happiness;
• Purposefully withholding your children from the other parent;
• Getting arrested for domestic violence.

Understand that whether you’re leaving or being left, this is going to be emotionally difficult.  It’s the nature of the beast.  But you can come out ahead if you can see a happy future, one in which you are achieving your highest values and aspirations.  It’s hard to see it now, but you can see it.

I would urge you to write out a detailed description of what your post-divorce life looks like, as though it’s already happened.  Write about that big house by the ocean that you finally have, and the great school district where your kid are now getting straight As.  Write in detail about how you finally wrote that “Meditation through Painting” book, got a spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and went on to make seven figures selling instructional videos.

Talk about your dreams as though you’ve already accomplished them.  This will set your subconscious to work on making your dreams into reality.  Dream big, and read your dream sheet out loud to yourself every day.

By contrast, nothing can destroy hope faster than dwelling on what is lost, plotting revenge, or trying to hold on to the past.  Don’t dwell on what a jerk your ex is.  Instead, think ahead to the great life you are now creating.  Don’t let anger or resentment set in—these will cause you to make bad decisions.

Keep in mind that the best revenge is always living well.  Reach for your dreams; it will drive your ex crazy.  Then, when your ex tries to draw you into conflict, all you’ll hear is “blah, blah, blah.”

Next week I’m going to talk about your divorce plan of escape.  Until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR FIRST STEP TO FINANCIAL SECURITY AFTER DIVORCE-COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR FEELINGS appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Most divorce and child custody lawyers will spend their free consultation (or one that they will charge your credit card $350 for) convincing you of how much you need them.  According to the standard pitch, you are in extremely deep voodoo, and the only way out is to hire them to fight for you.  And the more you fight, the more money they make.

Tammy and I founded Divorce Life Solutions(tm) to help people avoid the biggest mistakes divorcing people make.  The truth is, your divorce case can and should settle without expensive litigation.  That’s not going to happen if you simply dump your shoebox of documents on the lawyer’s desk and say “fix this.”  Here’s the secret sauce that will save you huge bucks and lead to financial security, and to a secure relationship with your kids:

1. Understand and deal with the immediate emotional trial caused by every divorce.
2. Develop a plan of escape.
3. Get all your papers together in a neat, tabbed binder.
4. Spreadsheet everything you make, spend, own and owe, with realistic numbers based on the past.
5. You can do most of the legal paperwork yourself.
6. Use unbundled attorney representation so that you only pay for what you need.
7. Use an experienced, trained divorce mediator to assist with difficult negotiations.
8. Pursue long-term goals and let go of the need for fairness and revenge.
9. Don’t use dollar services to fight over penny issues.
10. Take charge of your own financial life when the proceedings are done.
11. Take the time, energy and money that you would use in the court process and devote it to your relationships with your children.
12. Life is too short to be angry and bitter—be joyful in your life; it will drive your ex crazy!

Consider Mabel, who lawyered her way into full custody of the kids and a hefty alimony award and spent $50,000 on her lawyer, half of which the court ordered her ex-husband to pay.  Mabel’s ex seldom saw his children, who are now surly, disrespectful teenagers.  Mabel’s ex paid his $3,000 per month support order for 2 years and abruptly announced that he would pay no longer.  Since he was willing to go to jail or live on a park bench rather than pay the support, he quit his 6-figure, 60 hour per week job and hung out a shingle as a handyman.  After that, he had no wages to garnish and has spent through his retirement account.  A couple of years later he unexpectedly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Now consider Julie, who decided to take charge of her life and avoid litigation.  She urged her ex to try mediation and resolved her case for about $4,000 in mediation fees.  She agreed to a step-down spousal support (alimony) order and went back to school to achieve her childhood dream of being a registered nurse.  Now, her ex is not her favorite person in the world, but he pays his support on time and is a huge help with the kids.  One day, the ex got drunk and drove his car into a ditch, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down.  Not to worry; July is now making $120,000 per year working for Tri-City Hospital as an RN, a job she finds greatly fulfilling.  In the process she has set an example to her children of how to take responsibility for your own life and make yourself a success by the sweat of your own brow.  And, she is immune from the consequences of her ex’s irresponsible behavior.

Which mother would you rather be?  I am in the process of writing an e-book for sale that will go into greater detail about the best way to divorce with your financial security intact.  Stay tuned, and until then…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR SPILLS THE BEANS-12 WAYS YOU ACHIEVE FINANCIAL SECURITY WITHOUT A LAWYER! appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Sometimes it’s better to settle for less.  You may be thinking, wow, did a lawyer just say that?  Yes, you heard that right.  I don’t mean getting less value; I mean getting more value.  If you’re wondering how accepting less money or less support could possibly lead to your getting more value, read on.

Win-lose—the paradigm of our litigation system:

Attorneys have minds like steel traps.  If there’s a closely-held business we need a professional evaluator to apply the discounted cash flow method of evacuation, using the Gordon Model Multiple.  Or if spousal support is in issue we need an in depth analysis of all 14 of the Family Code section 4320 factors.  Each lawyer argues and fights to push the needle in their direction on each individual issue, and such issues are resolved one-by-one in isolation.  On the spousal support question, we might spend half an hour on Husband’s income, half and hour on whether and how much income to impute to Wife, whether it’s legitimate to consider unearned stock options as income available for support, and on and on.  Here is a diagram of a typical result for such a negotiation:

Here the lawyers have neatly divide an asset, such as a business, into equal 35 percent shares for each of the divorcing parties.  It’s certainly even, but the combined shares of Husband and Wife are 70 percent.  The red area is the attorney’s cut.

The win-win paradigm of mediation:

One way to make the pie bigger it to cut out the divorce attorney’s share by doing your own legal work—but this has a high degree of difficulty.  And, we can do better than that. The chart below illustrates how intangible values can actually make the pie bigger:

An “intangible” is something that’s worth something to a divorcing spouse that can’t be directly measure by a professional evaluator or lawyer.  How much money would you pay to have a good relationship with your children?  If you have a complicated and nasty hearing coming up, how much would you pay to avoid it?  Here is a partial list of intangible values:

1.  Avoiding painful hearings and trials.

2.  Teaching respect and tolerance of others to your children by example.

3.  Teaching children to respect their mother or father.

4.  Having happy, well-adjusted children.

5.  Moving on with your post-divorce life.

6.  Having an asset that has sentimental value.

7.  Living in proximity for co-parenting.

8.  Being able to co-parent peacefully and civilly.

9.  Fairness and equity.

10.  The dignity of being self-supporting in a career you’ve always wanted.

I’m not suggesting that you always put these intangible items on the table during negotiations.  But it helps to consider them when deciding how much to offer and when to settle.  And, it starts you to thinking about solutions that benefit Husband, Wife, the children, the extended family and friends.

Many people lose their sanity and happiness during painful and expensive divorce litigation.  But as the most wise person to ever live said, “what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?”  Remember to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post The Value of Intangibles in Divorce Negotiation appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is not to disparage our truly fine family law bench.  Where I practice, mostly in North San Diego County at the Vista location, I am often amazed the compassion and understanding that our family law jurists bring to their decisions.

But the overwhelming majority of people who find themselves in our courtrooms have unreasonably high expectations of what a court can do to help in any given situation.  To see why, I’d like to take you on a little journey through the minds of the people involved.

Let’s start with you.  In the universe of your relationships to your soon-to-be-ex and to your kids is a body of information or truth about what is happening, and what is good for your family.  A subset of that truth is your understanding of what’s going on.  Another subset is what your ex understands or believes is going on.

Visualize your understanding of what’s going on in your case as a window, the larger blue area in the diagram above.  You then go to your attorney, spending an hour (at a cost of $350) for an intake.  You present documents like text messages, pictures, tax returns and the like.  This information, recorded in your case file and in the lawyer’s brain, is a smaller window inside the larger window of everything you know.  Your child custody or family law attorney can’t see everything in your window; he/she must look through the smaller window of his/her knowledge of your life.

Now comes a 20-minute Request for Order hearing.  The tools that your divorce lawyer has to present the case include written declarations that you sign, documentary evidence that he/she will lodge with the court on your behalf and maybe two or three sentences from you during the hearing.

The lawyer must expand, as much as possible the judge’s window on your life, but by necessity that window is very, very small.  That’s why it’s so darn difficult for your judicial officer to get your case exactly right or see it from your point of view.

The moral of the story is that you and your ex have the biggest windows into your lives and family, and are therefore in the best position to make those important decisions about how to share childrearing responsibilities, how to divide your estate, how you will be supported, in short, how you will accomplish your goals for your post-divorce life.  This is your family, and the decision maker should be you, and not your lawyer, or the person who has the smallest window, the judicial officer.

In mediation we take the time to explore how you and your ex can accomplish your goal of divorcing inexpensively, avoiding expensive and upsetting hearings, and accomplishing your goals.  In mediation you don’t have to follow the California legislature’s or the judicial officer’s view of how your family should be constituted.  If you come in to our free workshop this coming Saturday (February 4, 2017) at 1:00, we’ll show you how to do this.

Hoping to see you soon, I urge you to:

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CAN THE COURT REALLY HELP? SAGE WISDOM FROM YOUR CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

If you are a regular reader of this blog you already know the value of divorce mediation, as compared to plunking down a big retainer for a divorce lawyer, trying to DIY it or burying your head in the sand. “But,” you say, “you’ll never get him in to mediation.”  Or, “there’s no way I can mediate with her—we’re just too far apart.”

As mediators, Tammy Ferreira CDFA(tm) and I are trained to handle objections, and we can usually get even the most stubborn parties to resolve the matter.  The magic happens when we show the person that a settlement actually benefits them.  In mediation we focus on solutions that benefit both parties.  These benefits can be big—thousands in attorney fees, staying away from stressful court appearances, or just being done.

Often more than half the battle is getting the other person through the doors of our mediation office.  Here is a two-step method that will work most of the time.

Step One:  Become a Mediation Nerd.

My now ex-wife announced that she was seeking divorce 10 years ago, and I knew nothing then.  I was fortunate to have a friend who taught one of the high conflict classes the courts order when divorcing parents can’t get along.  Here’s what I learned:

• Realistically, a case of average complexity will cost about $15,000 to $20,000  for each lawyer, and I met people in the class who had spent well into six figures.  Our average mediation costs about $4,500 plus your court filing fees.
• Most cases require multiple “Request for Order” hearings that are costly and upsetting.  Declarations are filed detailing all the nasty stuff you know about each other in a public record that anyone can see.  Mediation is a completely confidential way to divorce that keeps you out of court and out of the poorhouse.
• Lawyers have a built-in conflict of interest.  It’s in both of your interest to resolve the case without court, but your lawyers make more money if they keep you fighting.  Mediators’ main interest is in resolving conflict and finding solutions.
• In mediation you can explore solutions that benefit both of you.
• If for some reason mediation doesn’t work, you can always go the court route.

You know what it’s like to talk to a nerd.  For example, watch how excited your tax accountant gets talking about how he can use the tax code to save you money.  A passionate advocate is an effective advocate.

Step Two:  Be a Broken Record.

I prefer voice communication when discussing these matters, though this may be difficult at your stage.  I find that if I can get the other person in my office or on the phone, I can usually get them to come in.  I am the world’s biggest mediation nerd, after all.

The big mistake most people make is allowing the conversation to stray into the details of the divorce, such as how you will share the children or the financial arrangements.  Our advice:  don’t bring up any issues in your case.  Your sole objective is to get them in to the mediation process.  If you’re as old as I am you remember vinyl long-playing records.  When broken, they would skip, and repeat a certain phrase or lyric over and over again.  Be a broken record by returning the conversation to the benefits of mediation.  Here are some examples:

Spouse:  I want 50-50 custody of our kids.  That’s what’s fair and even if I go to mediation I won’t accept anything less than 50-50 custody. (Note—you may be totally opposed to the 50-50 idea, but it’s best to acknowledge that it is a possible outcome if your goal is to get your spouse in the door.)

You:  Fifty-fifty custody might be a great way to share the children.  Let’s talk about that in mediation.

Spouse:  I don’t care what happens.  I’m not paying you alimony.

You:  It may be that you don’t owe any alimony.  The mediator can help us decide, and if you disagree you can always get another opinion from your own lawyer.

Note that in the above examples you acknowledge that their proposed resolution is not out of the question.  Then you make the record skip back to how great the mediation process would be.  This is not the time to stake out your positions in the case, as tempting as that may be.Remember to stay true to the mission—getting your spouse to see the mediator.  It is important to deal with that person’s fear of loss, often the biggest obstacle to getting a party through the mediator’s doors.

Mediation is the single best method of getting your divorce.  Ask any divorce attorney how they would handle their own divorce case, and if they’re honest, they’ll tell you to settle quickly and avoid going to court.

Hoping this helps you to achieve your post-divorce dreams, I urge you to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post TWO STEPS TO GET ANY SPOUSE INTO DIVORCE MEDIATION (NO MATTER HOW RELUCTANT THEY ARE) appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

The most maddening part of divorce is the lack of control over your own life.  Support obligations arise that eat huge chunks of your paycheck, leaving little for daily living.  You may be relegated to being a weekend parent to a teen who seems to hate your guts, who can’t see the sacrifices you have made as a parent.

You may be dealing with an ex that is always trying to twist things their way, trying to alienate the children, trying to avoid paying support or having their lawyer bury you in a pile of paperwork.

As a Carlsbad divorce lawyer, I have represented hundreds of people in your situation.  And, as a divorced lawyer I have faced and risen above this crapstorm.

The biggest key to success when you divorce or have child custody issues is to get out of the habit of blaming others.

Most people in family court make the same mistake.  When things aren’t working out for them they look for someone or something to blame.  It’s the judge who doesn’t understand what kind of person the father really is.  It’s the ex, poisoning the kids’ minds against you.  It’s her new boyfriend overstepping his role as the kids’ stepfather.  It’s the unfair system.  It’s the unfairness of divorce law.

Whatever the problem is, you’ll never solve it as long as you point to a cause outside of your control.  Here are some of examples of what’s outside your control:

• How the judge perceives you or your case and what she ultimately orders;
• Your ex’s parenting style;
• The behavior of her new mate;
• Your teen’s rebellious and surly attitude;
• The amount of your divorce lawyer’s bill;
• What your ex says about you to the kids;
• Your ex’s house rules.

Is there anything about your post-separation family life you can control?  Absolutely.  How about these:

• Your cooperation with the judge’s orders;
• Your parenting style;
• Your response to your ex’s new mate.
• Your joy even when your teen is rebellious and surly;
• How you use attorney services to get the most bang for your buck;
• Your support for the other parent’s parenting
• Your house rules.

Don’t forget the serenity prayer:  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to  change the things I can, and the wisdom to  know the difference.”

Here’s a clue regarding that difference-knowing wisdom:  The things we can control are usually internal to us:  our attitude, our effort, our drive, our behavior.

The things we usually can’t control are conversely external to us:  our ex, our children’s behavior, the amount of support ordered, opposing counsel, our expenses.  Remember the wisdom of St. Paul when he wrote:  “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”  Phil. 4:11b.  Paul was writing from a Roman prison!

When you achieve mastery over your inner state, your attitude, you can walk into court with a smile on your face that makes your ex wonder what you’ve got up your sleeve.  Your attitude will win over your surly teen.  Who knows?  Maybe even your ex will start being nice.

When it comes to joy, I am reminded of something Brendon Bruchard said:  “the power plant doesn’t have energy; it generates energy.”  In the same way you can be more joyous, be more patient, be more cooperative, be a better parent.

Don’t waste your energy trying to change things that are outside of your control.  When you start doing that, you’ll start doing better in family court and you’ll be a much happier person.  Until next time,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE, CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN: WISDOM FROM A CARLSBAD DIVORCE(D) LAWYER appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I have represented clients whose exes owe them over a quarter million dollars in back support.  Support arrears in the tens of thousands of dollars are not at all uncommon.  If you’re the parent whose struggling to make it with your job, with your kids in daycare, and with a parent who just doesn’t help, you’ve come to the right place.  This blog will point you toward some resources that will help you to get paid.

WHAT NOT TO DO:  WITHHOLD VISITATION WITH THE OWING PARENT:

I’d like to start off with a mistake that many parents make when the other parent doesn’t pay.  It’s tempting, as the custodial parent, to say, “hey, if he’s not stepping up to the plate he shouldn’t get to see his kids.”  This is a mistake because the courts are careful to separate the child custody issues from the financial issues.  The courts see the parenting plan as a child-focused way to have both parents involved in the child’s life.  Judges and custody mediators believe that it’s good for children to have access to both parents.

In fact, if you have a case going with the Department of Child Support Services, the regular family law judge will not even hear the child support issues.  Child support will be heard separately in the “support division,” a separate arm of the Superior Court devoted to cases being enforced by the Department of Child Support Services.

The family law judge, charged with deciding the child custody and visitation issues, is not interested in who’s financially better off or who is paying or not paying the support.  Raising the financial issues during a custody hearing can actually damage your custody case by making you look less “child focused” in the court’s eyes.

THE DEPARTMENT OF CHILD SUPPORT SERVICES IS YOUR ALLY IN COLLECTING BACK CHILD SUPPORT

The Department of Child Support Services (“DCSS”) is a government agency whose sole reason for being is collecting child support.  An application to establish a DCSS case can be made and submitted online.  Your case will be assigned to a case worker who will collect information and investigate the parties’ earnings.  (Note:  all links in this blog are for San Diego County.  Google your local county for its DCSS application.)

When you initiate a DCSS case, you will assign your right to receive child support to the county where you live, and that county will file a petition and a motion before the support division court to either initiate, modify or enforce your child support order.  Once the judge issues a support order, DCSS will take care of issuing the wage assignment or garnishment of the payor’s wages, known as an “income withholding order.”  DCSS can also request that the payor’s driver license be suspended pending the payment of arrears, and can even file a request that contempt of court charges be filed against the delinquent party.  The judge has the power to punish willful non-payment of support with 5 days in jail for each missed payment, known as a “count.”

A child support order has the effect of a “judgment” by the issuing court.  For each payment missed, the court tacks on annual interest of 10 percent, known as “post judgment interest.”  That’s why child support debt is so bad—it carries a very high interest rate, and to boot, it’s not discharable in bankruptcy.

In conclusion, while you’re killing him/her with kindness on the child custody front, you can still use DCSS as a took to get what you need from him/her.  Until next time,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post WHAT TO DO WHEN HE/SHE WON’T PAY THE CHILD SUPPORT: A CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER’S PERSPECTIVE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

To reiterate what I told the payers, basic guideline child support is calculated based on a formula in the Family Code, and you can get a rough idea of what you’re entitled to by using the Department of Child Support Services’ online support calculator.  Before you go there, have the following data ready:

1.  The number of supported children;

2.  The tax filing status and number of exemptions each parent takes;

3.  The gross earnings (or earning capacity) of the parties;

4.  Deductions such as healthcare costs, mandatory retirement and mandatory expenses; and

5.  The percentage of weekly hours spent by the parties.

If you don’t know the earnings of the other party, put in an estimate.  Use the Gross, before-tax monthly income in the calculator, not the net.  The program will account for the taxes, and if you enter an after-tax amount you will not get an accurate child support calculation.

But what about those little extras?  Child care?  Clothing? Extracurricular activities?

The basic child support number is meant to include ordinary child-rearing expenses such as housing, clothing, food and etc.  So if you go before the court arguing that dad has not bought a new pair of shoes for a year, know that it probably won’t matter.

But there are certain child support add-ons which are mandatory.  But you must ask for these at your child support hearing or make sure they are included in your child support order.  The mandatory add-ons are described in Family Code section 4062 as follows:

(a) The court shall order the following as additional child support:

(1) Child care costs related to employment or to reasonably necessary education or training for employment skills.

(2) The reasonable uninsured health care costs for the children as provided in Section 4063.

Whenever the law uses the word “shall,” it means that what follows is mandatory.  The court must award these costs against both parents.  You can expect, in most cases, to receive a mandatory reimbursement of half of child care costs related to employment or necessary education, and half of uncovered medical.  The court does have the discretion to apportion the costs between the parents, but the usual apportionment of mandatory additional support is 50-50.

But wait, there’s more.  Section 4062 has a subsection (b) which reads as follows:

(b) The court may order the following as additional child support:

(1) Costs related to the educational or other special needs of the children.

(2) Travel expenses for visitation.

The word “may” means that the court can award them, but it doesn’t have to.  But it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Generally, the court will award such educationally-related costs if they are “extraordinary,” that is, over and above the normal educational expenses.  They can include ball fees for that student that’s athletically gifted.  They could include a tutor for that student struggling with Attention Deficit Disorder or high-functioning autism.

It’s important to understand that both parents have a legal duty to financially support their children.  The court can impute income to a party that refuses to work or would rather live on a park bench than pay his/her support.

Next week I’m going to write about what to do if the other parent just won’t pay.  How do you get an order of child support, or enforce the one that you have?  Until next week,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CALCULATING CHILD SUPPORT FROM THE SUPPORTED PARENT’S POINT OF VIEW appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is Thomas Ferreira, your divorce and child custody lawyer and mediator serving your community, primarily in North San Diego County.  I want to tell you the one secret that will help you not to pay me huge attorneys fees (I  didn’t say that out loud just now, did I?).

How many of you readers have sought free advice from attorneys, only to be asked for a credit card before anyone will talk to you?  Or have you been to an attorney who has given you an honest estimate of the entire cost of his/her services?  If so, I hope you were sitting down.

Yes, legal fees are expensive.  But as the old joke goes, isn’t divorce “worth it?”  Perhaps.  But not  if you spend the $10,000, $20,000 or $100,000 on your lawyer’s fees, money that could have helped you create your fantastic post-divorce life.

THE SECRET:  TRUST

About 5 years ago I read a book that deeply influence me, a book written by the son of the late Steven Covey called The Speed of Trust.  Mr. Covey describes what he calls a “trust tax,” expenditures that become necessary because a party feels the need to be protected.  His example is a business deal transacted on a handshake.  If each party believes strongly that the other will deliver on his/her promises, there is no need for lawyers, appraisers, arbitrators and other dispute resolution experts.  Party A pays the fees pursuant to the schedule, and party B delivers the widgets by the due date.  No litigation necessary.

I had several cases over the past year of people who found themselves up to their eyeballs in litigation.   One couple were both physicians who had spent $10,000 each, and had not yet made it to their first Request for Order hearing.  They decided to substitute out their attorneys before any more  damage was done, and stop sweating the small stuff.  After one session of mediation and a flurry of paperwork, we had their case done in about 2 weeks, for about 10 percent of what they would have spent answering discovery, filing motions and trying their case.

But here’s what had to happen:  Both parties had to decide to opt out of the usual attorney-driven mess.  One party called the other (and not the other’s attorney) and said:  “hey, this is costing me a fortune.  Do you want to  keep doing this?”  The other party said, “this is costing me a fortune, too.  Let’s stop doing this.”

Most parties don’t know that they can call their soon-to-be-ex directly, without going through the attorneys.  The trick is to present it to the other person as a win-win, and have an alternate plan to to the court fight, such as mediation.

TRUST KILLERS:

In no order of severity, common trust killers in divorce are:

• Telling the other party they are getting a divorce by means of serving divorce papers through a process server;
• Filing motions over disputes that should be easy to talk through;
• Sending nasty messages and communications;
• Not following through on commitments or disobeying court orders;
• Hiring aggressive attorneys who write nasty, threatening letters;
• Attorneys propounding demands for production of documents with 50 separate demands, and another 30 special interrogatories.

These steps are often unnecessary, and the cost they produce is not only measured in attorneys fees, but in heartache and inability to co-parent.

WHAT TO DO:

First, if you are sure the marriage is over, have a conversation about your intentions.  We recommend that you be firm, as there is no upside to  trying to let the other party down easy.

Second, find a mediator, preferably one who has a collaborative approach and doesn’t think too legalistically.  Often times solutions can be found that don’t fit neatly into the Family Code, yet provide benefits for everyone.

Third, be willing to make  commitments and agreements.  Write them down so you’re clear, and get court orders by stipulation if necessary.

Fourth, and this is the most important:  Follow through on your agreements.  When a person is predictable and does what they say they’re going to do, it builds trust in the other, trust that can head off expensive litigation.

Hoping that you can find a way to build a new kind of trust—not the trust of married people but a trust that says, “I know the marriage is over, but I’m going to be predictable ad honor my agreements,” I remain …

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN A LOW-COST AMICABLE DIVORCE: BUILDING TRUST. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I’m Thomas Ferreira, your divorce and child custody mediator and lawyer in Carlsbad, serving North San Diego County and Riverside County with family legal services.

Have you ever been laying awake at night wondering just how much support you’re going to have to pay?  Or maybe you’re cause of insomnia is how much support you should expect each month and how you’re going to make ends meet.

I was in precisely that situation back in 2005 when my wife and the mother of my two children announced that she wanted a divorce.  What I learned is that some advanced planning can make the difference between playing defense (handling the support question as it came up) and playing offense (knowing the situation I was facing and proactively planning my position).  Many family law litigants waste time and money having the court calculate their support.  A typical Request for Order on support can cost you $2,000 in legal fees, and the questions are often no more difficult than entering some figures into the DissoMaster support calculator.

If you can have a conversation about what each party needs and if you can get a calculation of your support, either on line or through a provider such as this office, you’ll be way ahead of the game financially and also you’ll be taking a huge step toward building trust with your ex, trust that you can use to help you get your case resolved cheaply and with minimal conflict and litigation costs.

What You’ll Need to Plan for Support—What You Make and What You Spend:

Spousal support (also referred to as alimony or spousal maintenance) is normally awarded where there is a disparity between the earnings of the spouses, and hence their ability to support themselves.  Spousal support is complex, and for a discussion of how it’s calculated, see my blog series on that subject.

In the vast majority of cases, child support is awarded according to a formula in the family code, usually referred to by the court as “guideline” child support.  The data you need here are the percentage of time that the child or children live with you (the number of hours during the week they are in your home or under your care divided by the number of hours in a week (168)), and the Gross income of each parent.  There are some other data pieces, but those are the biggest 2 factors.

To plan for support, you need an idea of what you earn and what you spend.  For planning on this, get your laptop and your latte, and create an excel spread sheet.  Contact my office and I’ll send you an excellent spreadsheet for this purpose.  Gather together the following papers, if you have access to them:

• Pay stubs for your last 3 months of work;
• A profit and loss statement and your accounting data if you are self-employed;
• Your most recent federal and state tax returns;
• your checking and savings account statements for the past 3 to 6 months.

Attorneys and judges use support calculators such as DissoMaster to calculate support, but you need the raw data.  In California family court, judges use the information from the Income and Expense Declaration (click the link to see the form) to give them the data to do the calculation.  So you’ll want to download that document and use it as a worksheet.  Enter average figures for all areas of your spending, including your monthly bills, utilities, food, clothing, entertainment, car expenses, educational expenses and etc.

But don’t stop there.  Whether you are a paying or supported spouse, you’ll need to know what you’ll need to move out, or to continue living in the marital residence, if that’s your plan.  So do a “needs” budget as well as a “current spending budget.”  I have a worksheet you can access for this by clicking here. This will help you to plan how you will survive and thrive following the breakup.

Whether you resolve your case through mediation, self-represent or hire a lawyer, this planning will be invaluable to keeping your costs down and making firm and wise decisions regarding your finances and children.  If you need assistance in this, please contact my office.  We offer a free initial consultation to help get you started. We can run the DissoMaster support calculator and tell you what you likely would pay or receive for spousal support and child support.

Whether you decide to use our services, I have a passion to help you succeed in your endeavors, and at least we’ll get you off on a solid footing as you move through the divorce process.

I remain …

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post THRIVING DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: PLANNING FOR SUPPORT CALCULATIONS appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.