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CHILD CUSTODY SECRET NUMBER THREE: MOTIVATE YOUR CHILD TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU

admin — Tue, 28 Oct 2014 20:01:12 +0000

Here is the fourth and final installment of The Best Free Advice on Child Custody Ever, and I’ve saved the best for last. I give this advice not so much as a child custody lawyer, but as a parent. And here’s the secret:

Your children will want to spend time with you when they have something to look forward to. I call this technique “creating anticipation.”

Let’s say that you have parenting time with the children every other weekend. Plan something cool for your weekend, like camping, or fishing, or a trip to the beach, or a museum.

Spend the first weekend together with your child or children researching the choices. Involve them in planning the activity. If you have a scheduled telephone call with them, talk to them about the activity and give them an active role in planning.

A great resource for finding activities is San Diego Family Magazine, or similar local publications, where there are lists of free and low-cost options for family outings.

The goal is not to usurp the other parent’s time. Just plant the seed about the activity, and get them thinking about it and anticipating it.

Then make sure you follow through. Trust must be forged through years of following through on promises, but it can be dashed in a day by a broken promise. If you say you’ll do it, make it a priority.

I’m not suggesting that you be “Disneyland dad.” Parenting is often a difficult chore, requiring boundaries and discipline. Sometimes the answer has to be “no.” But establishing positive associations with your parental world will help you build solid relationships with your children. And as family minister Josh McDowell once pointed out, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”

Creating anticipation works well with block vacations. Say you plan a week-long camping trip. You can schedule time during your child visits where you determine the location. Then, ask the children to think about what gear they will need. Spend time looking at brochures, websites, books and other media. Get them involved in the trip.

It is so important for the children to have both parents in their lives. Take the time to build that relationship, and you’ll find that when it’s time to talk with the therapist or Family Court Services mediator, a tear will form in their eye as they think “wow, he’s such a great dad,” or “she such a great mom.”

Wishing you the greatest success in building relationships with your children after divorce or separation I remain …

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

Disclaimer: Thomas D. Ferreira is an attorney licensed only in the State of California. The information set forth in this blog or on our websites are not intended to create an attorney-client relationship, nor are they intended as legal advice on your specific matter. This information is not intended to apply to cases or jurisdictions outside the State of California, and those viewing this information outside of California, or having business before jurisdictions outside of California, should consult a local professional or lawyer. The information in this blog is not a substitute for the advice of competent counsel, and is not intended, nor should it be construed, as a guarantee, warranty or prediction regarding the results of your legal matter.

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CHILD CUSTODY SECRET NUMBER 2: THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP IS KING

admin — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 19:23:24 +0000

This is Thomas Ferreira, your Carlsbad Child Custody, visitation and divorce attorney, with the third installment on the best strategy to get more parenting time. When the court is involved, it is important to understand the spirit and the letter of child custody law. California family recognizes this in Family Code section 3040:

(a) Custody should be granted in the following order of preference according to the best interest of the child as provided in sections 3011 and 3020:

(1) To both parents jointly … or to either parent. In making an order granting custody to either parent, the court shall consider, among other factors, which parent is more likely to allow the child frequent and continuing contact with the non-custodial parent, … and shall not prefer a parent as a custodian because or that parent’s sex.

“Frequent and continuing contact” is the law’s buzz word for the preference of the law to award custody to the parent who supports the other parent’s parent-child relationship. In practice, most judges recognize the importance of mothers and fathers in the lives of children.

That doesn’t mean that you should try to buy your child off with gifts or taking them on expensive trips every time they’re in your care. It means actually being there as a parent. It means having a relationship with your son or daughter, not just an acquaintance. To build this relationship:

Be there when the child needs to talk (except if it’s to complain about the other parent).
Get to know the child’s school teachers and support the teacher with the child.
Help with homework.
Get involved in extra-curricular activities.
Cook meals .
Read to your kids!!! This one is huge. My kids are 9 and 10 right now, and they still beg for their bedtime story every night.

Your goal in presenting your case to the judge is to show them what a great mother or father you are, not what a no-good SOB your ex is. To do this, you have to lay the ground work by actually having a close, warm and deep relationship to the children. Your kids will thank you for it, whatever their age.

I’ll be along with my final tip, creating anticipation, in my next post. This is likely the most powerful tool in the arsenal, and it works. Until then, I remain…

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CHILD CUSTODY SECRET NUMBER 2: THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP IS KING appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

CHILD CUSTODY SECRET NUMBER ONE: HOW TO LAY THE GROUNDWORK BEFORE REQUESTING COURT ORDERS

admin — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 18:26:40 +0000

As promised, here is the second installment on my series, Best Child Custody Advice Ever. This advice is mostly for non-custodial parents who want more time with the children. I don’t generally consider myself a “father’s rights” attorney—my philosophy is that each co-parent after a divorce or separation brings something unique and important to the parenting table. My hope here is that non-custodial parents will be able to use these techniques to get more parenting time, and that custodial parents will gain understanding of how courts view disputes over parenting time.

The biggest mistake most child custody litigants make is believing that filing in court for custody will automatically change your situation. Though this is sometimes true, the reality is, you generally have to create a change in circumstances before you file.

Remember, the parent-child relationship is king. Before filing, do whatever you can to establish and nature that relationship, and keep a diary of how the children are doing each time you see them. Here are some thing you can do to lay the groundwork for a successful request to change the custody or visitation schedule:

Take any additional time with the children that he/she is willing to give you. Don’t worry that the extra time isn’t in the court orders; as long as you have agreement with the other parent, you can do whatever you want. Raising kids is tough sledding, and believe me, she’ll (he’ll) need a break sometime. Be “Johnny on the spot” to step in when the other parent needs extra help.

Get involved with education and extra-curricular activities. The courts want to see that you are “child-focused,” and they are very concerned about the child’s education. Make sure you go to orientations, meetings and parent-teacher conferences with your children’s teachers. Ask that the school send you the child’s report cards directly. Volunteer in the classroom—teachers always need help. If the teacher sees you as an involved parent, you’ll stand head and shoulders above most parents who want the school to do all the heavy lifting. One side benefit is that a teacher is a great person to write a declaration in support of your request for more parenting time.

Move closer to the other parent. Distance is often a barrier to being involved in the children’s lives. Yes, it’s not fair that a custodial parent can dictate where you live. But if you rearrange your lifestyle to be in the children’s school district and be close, you’ll score points with the court. I have had cases where the willingness of a parent to move closer to the other parent was the change of circumstance that got my client more parenting time.

Disengage from conflict. The second biggest mistake I see in child custody cases is parents sending nasty communications to each other, trying to get the other parent to do some act (such as alter the visitation schedule) or filing repeatedly in court on minor issues. This is generally counter-productive. A better strategy is to take the time you have and focus it on your children. Make “dad’s world” or “mom’s world” an awesome place to be a kid. Any energy focused on the other parent (with whom you’ve presumably broken up) is a waste of time and effort.

Once you have taken steps like these, you’ll have a record that justifies an increase in parenting time, or transition to overnight parenting time or even joint physical custody.

Stay tuned for more great advice on how to increase your parenting time. Until then, I remain…

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CHILD CUSTODY SECRET NUMBER ONE: HOW TO LAY THE GROUNDWORK BEFORE REQUESTING COURT ORDERS appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

THE BEST FREE ADVICE ON CHILD CUSTODY EVER—3 WAYS TO TIP THE SCALES IN YOUR FAVOR

admin — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 21:01:00 +0000

Hello again from Thomas Ferreira, your child custody, family, divorce and support mediator and lawyer serving California cities of Carlsbad, San Marcos, Vista, Oceanside, San Diego and surrounding areas.

I want to address a specific situation where you get child custody and visitation orders that are restrictive of your visitation, don’t give you enough time with your kids or are just plain and unfair.

First off, don’t just file yet another Request for Order with the same concerns you had last time. Unless you find out that she’s beating the kids or subjecting them to sexually explicit material, or something similar, the court is not going to change custody.

What you need is a change of circumstances, that is, something that’s different now that would persuade the court to give you more time. Now that you have orders, it’s time to execute a plan for getting more time. You can do it, and it’s never too late.

Here are 3 tips that will move the dial in your direction to persuade the court to give you more time:

Lay the groundwork before you file in court. Too many self-represented parents think the court will solve their problems. Usually that’s not the case. Take the parenting time you have and be a great parent with that time. Document in a diary when you have had visits with your kids and how the visits went.
The parent-child relationship is king. The goal of each visit will be to build a relationship with each of your children. The court will see your efforts toward this and reward them with more time.
Creating anticipation: your most powerful weapon in any custody battle. Creating anticipation simply means giving your child something to look forward to the next time they see you. This can be a craft session, a tea party or a camping trip, depending on the amount of time you have.

In our experience, it is usually best for separated and divorcing parents to focus on the positives in their world rather than the negatives in the other parent’s world.

These points are so vital to succeeding in child custody court that I’m going to discuss each one separately in the next few days, in a separate post. Until then I remain…

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

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