Thomas Ferreira here with the seventh post in my series on achieving financial security without a lawyer. Today I want to talk to you about the most powerful tool in your tool kit for saving money and getting great results in your divorce case: Mediation.

If you have entered the strange alternate universe of divorce and child custody, then I have a question for you: How many of you want a fair result from your division of assets? How many of you want strong relationships with your kids? How about support orders that give your kids what they need but don’t leave you destitute?

In short, you want a divorce result that you will be happy with down the road, one that preserves your relationships, gives you financial security, and isn’t totally lopsided in favor of your ex.
What you don’t want is a huge battle with your ex that leaves you broke, alienated from your kids and with a bunch of court orders you hate and never agreed to in the first place.

But often people unwittingly choose the second option by engaging in conflict or hiring aggressive family lawyers. Many of you will hire champions of justice who will ask the court to solve your problems by making arguments to a third-party judge who knows little about your family. Others of you will start off trying to cooperate, but find out that their ex won’t agree to anything. They wind up making their pitch to the same third-party judge, and often are surprised that the judge sided with their ex—and also surprised by their attorney’s bill. A typical attorney bill for divorce is $25,000 on each side by the time it’s over. That’s $50,000, enough for a fancy new car, or a couple of years of private school tuition for your kid.

I’ve often said that there is a certain almost magical quality to mediation. I have people who swear that it won’t work, and by the end of session one they are agreeing and even being nice to each other for the first time in a long time. Tammy Ferreira and I have done hundreds of cases together, and each one seems impossible at first. It shouldn’t surprise any of you that people come into our office angry, hurt and mistrustful of their soon-to-be-ex. Most people think their case is the impossible case. In my experience, almost any case can be changed from high conflict to high trust through mediation.

You see, the best way to resolve problems is by having a discussion. You know your own finances and your family better than any judge will. But here’s what happens: You start your conversation like two boxers in round one who are sizing up each other. Then, someone lands a punch, causing the other to become defensive. Conversations between divorcing people often go downhill from there, spiraling into conflict and sometimes even violence.
As mediators, we are trained to keep conversations from going off the rails. We always look for win-win, solutions, that is, those decisions that benefit both people. We know exactly what to do when a party feels attacked or the conversation becomes heated.

Here’s something your attorneys won’t tell you: most of your cases are not that difficult. Dividing assets and calculating support can be done with 7th-grade math. Parenting plans can be designed to ensure that your kids have quality parenting time with both parents. The hard part is finding the sweet spot of resolution between two angry, hurt or scared individuals.

I’ve often said that mediation is the sanest way to resolve divorce cases. A typical mediation costs about a tenth of a fully litigated divorce, or about $2,000 to $2,500 per party. And, the results are your results, arrived at voluntarily, and not imposed on you by an outside person.

You can mediate with me and Tammy, or if you prefer we’ll refer you to another mediator. But by all means get to a mediator. It’s the best way to …

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post USE MEDIATION TO DIVORCE FOR ONE-TENTH OF THE COST AND ACTUALLY BE HAPPY WITH THE RESULT appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I know it will sound weird to many of you, but I just love reading history books.  It’s always good for divorced and divorcing people to have hobbies, and being an armchair historian is one of mine.  I find the human condition fascinating, and I continually wonder why perfectly rational and normal human beings are so willing to run towards one another in large groups with fixed bayonets, in the teeth of machine gun fire.  The explanation has to do with something historians describe as total war.

“Total War” may be described as a something that advanced, European societies, the birthplaces of “the enlightenment”, engaged in mostly in the 20th century.  The defining characteristic of total war is the mobilization of every social institution, from government, to churches, to schools, to industry and commerce, for the insurance of military victory.  Total war is marked by the mustering of vast armies of young men (mostly men), as many as 10 million or more, in a last-man-standing war of attrition.

Does this remind you of your divorce? (you were hoping I’d get to that).  Sadly, many divorcing people spend everything they have, including their financial and their emotional resources, in a scorched earth campaign to defeat one another.  As with Europe after 2 world wars, the conflict leaves the combatants exhausted, cynical (see the writings of Jean Paul Sarte) and grief-stricken.

When I do divorce, I am astounded at excellent lawyers who are so sure they will win the case.  You see, one unalterable facet of human nature is to see the situation from your own vantage point.  You’ll win for sure, because your cause is righteous.  God is on your side.  Wow, and look at your armies (the attorney) and your war chest.

Alas, war is always a win-lose situation.  War becomes total when the parties slowly realize that victory is not sure, and therefore must be pursued at all cost.  As combatants become “entrenched,” resolution becomes impossible because of the huge sacrifice that has already been invested.

This is what leads some divorcing people to spend $200,000 on each side, fighting over a business worth $400,000.  Children suffer.  Parties leave the process exhausted, impoverished, cynical, their family life ruined.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I would encourage divorcing people not to become to become too invested in the righteousness of their legal position (my ex-wife used to say that WAR stands for “we are right.”)  Trained as we are for court combat, we lawyers tend to become overconfident, and this tends to cloud our judgment.  Consequently, we tend to see our client’s position in an overly favorable light.

In my experience, in a trial between 2 top tier lawyers, one party still comes out the loser.

In July of 1914 the mass armies of Europe were itching to start a fight that each side was sure they’d win quickly.  Everyone thought the troops would be home by Christmas.  This belief, prevalent on all sides  of the conflict, led the mass armies of Germany to invade France through Belgum (the famous Schlieffan Plan), while the French and British Marched out heroically to meet them.  Once the initial huge investment was made, the combatants settled in for a long slough, 4 years of murderous trench warfare.

Isn’t it better to have a conversation?  In divorce mediation, professional mediators help you to have a discussion and analyze what you want, and why you want it.  A frank, mediated discussion nearly always leads to a rapid resolution of your case.  Given the tendency toward total war, what do you have to lose?

Remember to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post MEDIATION: THE BEST WAY TO AVOID TOTAL WAR IN YOUR DIVORCE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

A handshake is a low cost, low effort way to reach agreement, but it requires something usually lacking in divorce cases:  high trust.  The iron law of trust and cost is that where there is low trust there are high costs.

Consider what happens when divorcing parents can’t reach agreement.  In many cases a parent will seek to sabotage the other parent.  Lawyers contribute to this with nasty letters about that e-mail that was sent or that text message.  The parties come to court in armed camps ready for battle.  Repeated court intervention becomes necessary because the parents, wary and distrustful of one another, engage in the following low trust behaviors:

• Divorcing couples lace their necessary communications with unnecessary, emotionally charged statements judging the other party;
• Out of mistrust, a divorcing party will not cooperate by making reasonable concessions;
• Once agreements are reached, a party fails to deliver on a promise, lowering trust further.

Ask family law practitioners what they would do in their own cases, and their number one response is to avoid court.  But what tends to happen is that the litigation takes on a life of its own, as the parties incur “sunk costs.”  A sunk cost is like a down payment on something that turns out to be not worth the price.  For example, if you spend $100,000 to build half a bridge, and it will cost another $100,00 to complete the bridge, but the bridge will bring only $50,000 worth of value, is it rational to complete the bridge?  The answer is “no.”  The value of the completed bridge is less than the cost of completing it, so the rational decision is to leave it half built and save the remaining $100,000.

What tends to happen in litigation is that as the parties spend more and more, they become more “invested” in the case.  It becomes harder and harder to get off the merry-go-round.

This is why I encourage divorcing spouses to have a conversation at the beginning of the case.  They should strive to see the matter from the other’s point of view, and let go of resentment.  Finding a good divorce mediator at the outset will allow the parties to create a new form of trust—not the trust that married people have in a committed marriage, but at least the trust that comes from a shared interest in staying out of court, saving money and raising happy and well-adjusted children.

A family law trial is a hugely expensive and painful way to resolve disputes that can be settled through a mediated discussion with your spouse or co-parent.  The handshake is strictly optional.

Very truly yours,

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post THE HIGH COST OF LOW TRUST appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.