Hi, this is Thomas Ferreira, your Carlsbad, attorney, and mediator for divorce cases and child custody cases. And today I want to start the first in a series on how to get the most from your lawyer. I want to talk about how to prepare for that first meeting in a child custody case. Child custody cases are emotional because they really kind of go to the heart of your family relationships.

How You Feel

A child custody case can be hard on your self-esteem.  For me personally, the worst thing you could possibly say to me is “you’re a terrible dad.” Yet in court the main line of attack seems to be about the person’s parenting.

One other thing I find maddening is that the court completely misses the truth in your case. I know because I’ve been there, I’m not only a divorce attorney, but I’m also a divorced attorney.

Not only have I seen hundreds of child custody cases play out, but I’ve been there myself. That’s important because many divorce attorneys have not been in their client’s shoes. In that first interview, when I’m taking in that case, I’m interested in getting facts, but mostly I want the big picture. What are your big concerns about the children? What are you looking for the court to do about them?

Most conversations that I have with clients start with the client simply spilling her guts about what happened. What happened is important information, but often it’s like drinking through a fire hose.  It is important to understand that as an attorney I’m taking your facts and putting them into categories, based on the law.  Everything that the court can do for you has elements.  For example, to charge someone with robbery, you need facts showing:

1. The accused took some property.

2. That property was in the possession or immediate presence of another person.

3. The property was taken against the person’s will.

4. The property was taken by force or threat of force.

Unless the prosecution proves that each of these elements were present, the jury cannot convict the defendant of robbery.  So were the accused person to come into my office, I wouldn’t care if he was broke and hungry when he committed the crime.  I wouldn’t care if he had argued with his girlfriend an hour before.  All I really care about are facts that fall  into one of those four categories.

Your Parenting Goals

A good place to start with your attorney is to let her know your goals for the litigation.  I recommend that you do some hard thinking about the type of parent you want to be. What are your financial and family goals? How do you balance work and family life? What time do you have available to parent? Do you have people in your life that can help you with childcare and other needs? Once I as your attorney know what your values and goals are around parenting, I can help you decide what parenting schedule is good for your situation.

Going to Court: What Your Attorney Needs

When we get to court we need to have a parenting plan already in mind, one that’s tailored specifically to your situation and presents solutions that will work for you. In California, Questions of child custody, revolve around what’s called the best interest of the child standard. When you’re telling me your story, I am looking at the facts through the lens of what’s best for your children.

During that initial client interview, my mind is busy, putting all the facts you’re giving me into these little cubbies of child’s best interest and what parenting plans I typically see. So here’s primarily what I need to know. What outcome are you looking for?  For example, if you’re concerned about physical or mental harm to the child, you may be looking for a restraining order or how to build a case of parental alienation.  If the the other parent is an otherwise good parent and you have a frequently-changing work schedule, you may need a flexible plan that will balance continuity for the child against your need to make a  living.

Let’s say I win your case, What does that outcome look like? What are you looking for in an order for the child? Are you looking for an order that the child have no contact with the other parent, or is your concern to have equal parenting time? Depending on your answer, our legal strategy will be different.

For example, if you want full legal and physical custody, be prepared to discuss your concerns about the other parent. Is there drinking, drug use abuse, parental alienation?  Be prepared to talk about those specific incidents of this.

For a more equal parenting plan, we need to know how you balance work and family.  Equal, 50-50 parenting time with your children may be a fair result, but if you’re a 70-hour plus a week executive working for a big company, you may find yourself unable to find the required time for that parenting plan.

Preparing for Your Consultation or Meeting with Your Attorney

Before you come into my office, think about what’s best for your children. Try coming up with a schedule that will allow you to participate in all aspects of parenting during your time. I find that people who know what they want at the outset tend to do better in child custody and visitation cases. These clients do better because judges, and custody mediators and other professionals perceive that they’ve actually thought through the decisions and what’s good for the kids.  This makes the client seem more “child-focused.”

So think through those things and come prepared to talk about the facts of our situation and also about your ideal outcome.  What are your goals for this litigation? What outcomes do you want and why do you want them?

Until next time, this is Thomas Ferreira exhorting you to live well and don’t let the turkeys get you down.

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If you’ve spent any time in family court you know that the court doesn’t always do what you think it will, especially in child custody cases.  Maybe you’ve been the at-home parent for ten years, and dad has suddenly discovered that you have kids together.  Or, perhaps mom is bat bleep crazy, but seems to turn the tide against you at every hearing or at Family Court Services mediation.

I’ve seen over and over again those parents who do the same thing time after time while expecting a different result.  I remember one family law judge asking a father, “how many times are you going to bring this same motion before this court?”  This parent’s reply:  “as many times as it takes.”

That was, as you will suspect, the wrong answer.  Here’s a little secret that will get you better results in custody court than the best lawyer in San Diego County:  Winning in child custody cases often requires doing precisely the opposite of what you feel inclined to do.

Case in point:  Dad comes into court or mediation demanding 50-50 custody.  You know that he is a pothead and that he would rather be partying with the boys than be cooped up with your kids.  But he says he wants to step up and be the father he never was during the marriage.

Your natural inclination might be to limit his visits to two or three weekly visits for a couple of hours, while you watch him like a hawk.  Surely the court will see how irresponsible he is.

But the court wants you to give him more time.  If you resist, and complain about dad’s shortcomings, the court may get the idea that you don’t support his parent-child relationship, or worse, that you’re more concerned with punishing your ex than loving your kid.

Try the opposite.  Be generous by proposing more time with that parent.  It will do two things:

1.  You will give a child-focused impression on the court, an impression that they will remember; and

2.  You will give your co-parent the opportunity to either step up or fail.

Once you have established that you are child-centered and supportive of the other parent, the other parent will have to step up.  If that parent’s priority is something other than the kids (such as partying, playing pick-up basketball or working long hours), you’ll start to get more opportunities to parent outside the schedule.  The court is going to see what is going on, and likely you will end up with more parenting time.

If you are the “out parent,” seize that opportunity to step up.  If you get a 50-50 time share, now’s your time to shine as a parent.  Be willing to make those kids a priority.

I always say that child custody cases are a marathon, not a sprint.  If you don’t like your time share with your son or daughter, play the long game.  Don’t expect the court to be able to solve your problem after one ruling.

This often requires doing something other than your first inclination.  Do the opposite.  And…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post GREAT TIP FOR CHILD CUSTODY: TRY THE OPPOSITE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Here’s a little secret about California’s child custody laws: Like other “family” laws, child custody and visitation laws are not designed to be fair to parents. Instead, the basic principle of child custody laws is known as the “best interest of the child’ standard.

When making decisions on your child custody matter, your family law judges are concerned with:
• The child’s safety.
• The child’s health.
• The child’s education.
• The child’s protection from an abusive, or inadequate or drug-using parent.
• The child’s frequent and continuing contact with both parents.
• Stability and continuity in the child’s life.
There is a glaring omission here—what about the interests of the parties before the court, also known as the parents?

Here’s what I mean: Ask people with families why they decided to have children, and you’ll get answer’s like these:
• I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl.
• I wanted to pass down a legacy for my family.
• I have a passion to teach and mentor young people.
• I love children and find them fascinating.
I can’t think of anyone who wanted children because having them would serve the child’s “best interest.” I myself had children when I was older, and I can tell you that I didn’t know what love was until that little baby smiled back at me. He’s 13 now and my heart still breaks with love for him.

Here’s another secret: raising children can and should be fulfilling and meaningful. Can you have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with your children after divorce? What if you got the short end of the custody stick and have weekends or even just a few daytime visits?

The answer is an emphatic “YES!” I have found that the key to a satisfying life with your kids lies not in seeking court orders and submitting your situation to outside decision makers and evaluators.

Instead, take the energy you would spend litigating, and spend it on making your world a great place for your kids. Step up and help with homework, do something fun, or just be there when your kids need a shoulder to cry on. Such parents tend to wind up getting better court orders than those seeking “fairness” anyway.
Until next time…

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR REVEALS A SECRET ABOUT YOUR CHILD CUSTODY CASE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.