Sometimes it’s better to settle for less.  You may be thinking, wow, did a lawyer just say that?  Yes, you heard that right.  I don’t mean getting less value; I mean getting more value.  If you’re wondering how accepting less money or less support could possibly lead to your getting more value, read on.

Win-lose—the paradigm of our litigation system:

Attorneys have minds like steel traps.  If there’s a closely-held business we need a professional evaluator to apply the discounted cash flow method of evacuation, using the Gordon Model Multiple.  Or if spousal support is in issue we need an in depth analysis of all 14 of the Family Code section 4320 factors.  Each lawyer argues and fights to push the needle in their direction on each individual issue, and such issues are resolved one-by-one in isolation.  On the spousal support question, we might spend half an hour on Husband’s income, half and hour on whether and how much income to impute to Wife, whether it’s legitimate to consider unearned stock options as income available for support, and on and on.  Here is a diagram of a typical result for such a negotiation:

Here the lawyers have neatly divide an asset, such as a business, into equal 35 percent shares for each of the divorcing parties.  It’s certainly even, but the combined shares of Husband and Wife are 70 percent.  The red area is the attorney’s cut.

The win-win paradigm of mediation:

One way to make the pie bigger it to cut out the divorce attorney’s share by doing your own legal work—but this has a high degree of difficulty.  And, we can do better than that. The chart below illustrates how intangible values can actually make the pie bigger:

An “intangible” is something that’s worth something to a divorcing spouse that can’t be directly measure by a professional evaluator or lawyer.  How much money would you pay to have a good relationship with your children?  If you have a complicated and nasty hearing coming up, how much would you pay to avoid it?  Here is a partial list of intangible values:

1.  Avoiding painful hearings and trials.

2.  Teaching respect and tolerance of others to your children by example.

3.  Teaching children to respect their mother or father.

4.  Having happy, well-adjusted children.

5.  Moving on with your post-divorce life.

6.  Having an asset that has sentimental value.

7.  Living in proximity for co-parenting.

8.  Being able to co-parent peacefully and civilly.

9.  Fairness and equity.

10.  The dignity of being self-supporting in a career you’ve always wanted.

I’m not suggesting that you always put these intangible items on the table during negotiations.  But it helps to consider them when deciding how much to offer and when to settle.  And, it starts you to thinking about solutions that benefit Husband, Wife, the children, the extended family and friends.

Many people lose their sanity and happiness during painful and expensive divorce litigation.  But as the most wise person to ever live said, “what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?”  Remember to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post The Value of Intangibles in Divorce Negotiation appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Thomas Ferreira here, your Carlsbad divorce attorney and mediator serving all of North San Diego County (and some of Riverside County too!).

Let me wish you a happy new year and much prosperity and happiness in your post-divorce life.

But wait a minute, you say.  I’ve been toughing out the holidays, trying to get through, and I’ve needed a divorce for months.  How do I get started?  What do I say to my soon-to-be-ex.

Or, perhaps you are on the receiving end if the announcement, and having that “holy crap” moment.  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by all of the legalities, or the practicalities of pulling apart.  Perhaps you’re feeling lightheaded and a little foggy.

I’m not a physician, but I know a case of “divorce brain” when I see one.  You’re at the beginning stage of your breakup, and you don’t know how to talk to your ex, talk to your kids, or who of the many attorneys to hire.  Here are some easy steps to deal with divorce brain.

Step One:  See the end from the beginning.

If you have divorce brain, it’s often caused by having to make life-changing decisions while feeling grief, anxiety or profound confusion.  In this state, it is tempting to throw the case in the lap of that family law specialist with the fancy office.  Hey, she must be good, else how could she afford that fancy wood-paneled office and army of employees?

That approach is usually a mistake.  Yes, research and find the best attorney or mediator, but that’s not the first step.  The first step is often backward, so that you can see the whole picture.

Hope is the gasoline in the tank of the human spirit.  But how to you have hope when your world is caving in?  It takes some work, but it can be done.

Find a quite place where you can’t be disturbed, and do some dreaming.  What would your post-divorce life look  like if you could have an ideal life without your ex?  Where would you live?  How would you raise your kids?  How much would you earn? What would you be doing?  Who would you be seeing?

Ahh, that’s better.  Now, put pen to paper and write out a description of your post-divorce life.  Think big.  What family traditions will you start with your children?  What career path will you take? 

Step Two:  Write out some specific  goals for your post-divorce life.

Where do you want to be in 5 years?  Ten years?  Write out specific goals for your:

1.  Income.

2.  Parent-child Relationships.

3.  New mate (or lack thereof).

4.  Hobbies (cuz you’ve got to have some art in your life).

5. Friendships.

6. Retirement.

Then put on some soft music (or white  noise).  Meditation music, new age or classical is best.  Imagine that you’re already there, enjoying the satisfaction of attaining each goal.  Then imagine that you are telling a friend the pathway you took to getting there.  Write this part out, and be specific.  Something like this:

I was scared at first, but I knew that I’d always wanted to be an investment advisor.  I looked on line and found a 1-year training program.  I worked really hard and graduated in the top of my class.  My first job made just $5,000 per month, but I stuck with it.  I started a blog online, and soon people were coming to me for advice from all over.  I started doing workshops giving financial advice and a year after I started, I filled up a hotel ball room with 500 people.  Man, I had those people in the palm of my hand.  I was giving them great information, and they were paying $100 per ticket.  After paying for the room I netted $40,000 for the speaking gig.  Wow it felt good to watch that money flow  into my bank account…

Step Three:  Now plan your divorce strategy.

Notice here what’s not likely to come up.  Hiring the most expensive lawyer isn’t going to get you there.  You may wish to try and build some trust with your soon-to-be ex and maybe get the case into mediation.  You’re not going to play out your marital conflict through the litigation.  You’re not going to hang on to  old promises and broken dreams.  You’re going to move  forward, settle your case, and get to work on your dream post-divorce life.

Remember, the best revenge is, indeed, living well.

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post HOW TO OVERCOME DIVORCE BRAIN IN THREE EASY STEPS. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

But most are overwhelmed, afraid, confused, furious or some combination of the above.  I’d like to ask you, where are you today?  If the answer involves strong emotions, the tendency is to react to those emotions with short-term solutions.  If you’re afraid, you’re likely to defend your property and parenting time aggressively.  If you’re angry, you may instruct your attorney to pull out all the stops, and make life unpleasant for the other.  Many spouses go on a mad hunt for that hidden asset that they know is out there, or pursue the goal of “50-50 custody” by attacking the other’s parenting or manipulating the children.

It is often said that people facing criminal charges are bad people behaving at their best, while divorcing people are good people behaving at their worst.  Consider the guy who knocked over the local 7-11 store.  His lawyer will dress him in a business suit and tie, hide the tattoos, and tell him to speak gently and kindly.  Divorcing people are almost always every-day folks who are angry, overwhelmed, confused or afraid.  They act out these strong emotions by writing nasty court declarations, grasping at every penny the can, having conflict outside of court and even trying lobby the kids to like them better than they like your ex.

This is what almost everyone does, especially in the hard-fought cases.  But I have to ask you, is that really you?

I’d like to challenge you to take out a pen and paper right now where you’re sitting.  At the top of the paper, write a title “My Best Self.”  below that write down your 5 best qualities when you’re being your very best self.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Okay, what did you come up with?  When I do the exercise, what comes up for me is the following list:

1.  I am generous, sacrificing what I want those that I love.

2.  I am patient, listening with my heart as well as with my ears, and striving to understand the other.

3.  I am happy, looking forward to what each day will bring, and rejoicing in its abundance.

4.  I am forgiving, letting go of past wrongs and understanding that everyone makes mistakes.

5.  I am loving, forming and maintaining deep relationships with my friends and family.

When I went through my divorce 10 years ago, my fear and anger made me stingy, impatient, unhappy, spiteful and hateful.  My feelings toward my ex tended to bleed over into my other relationships, and I found myself trapped in a negative mindset.  I had to step back and ask, is that really me?

We all have a tendency to slip into negative mindsets at times, especially trying times like divorce.  When that happens, we must dust off our diaries (you do keep a diary, don’t you?) and take inventory.  Write down what you are currently bringing to the world.  Is it joy?  Positivity? Encouragement?  Are you being a great parent because you know how important you are to your kids?

Or are you being manipulative, penny-pinching, bitter and negative?  Be honest with yourself.

Divorce is a great time to take a personal inventory, and get on track to your life’s real purpose.  I don’t know you, but I can bet your life purpose isn’t to bring bitterness to the world, but to bring sweetness.  It isn’t to bring darkness, but light.  It isn’t to model stinginess to your children, but generosity.

You may not be able to control your ex’s attacking, bitter, resentful way of being in the world, but you can control your own responses to this transition called divorce.  Seen this way, divorce can be a time of reprioritizing, a time of changing course, a time to re-create your very best self.

In the hope that you’ve received some inspiration from this post, I urge you to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR SAYS: DON’T LET YOUR DIVORCE DEFINE WHO YOU ARE! appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.