Hi, this is Thomas Ferreira, your Carlsbad, attorney, and mediator for divorce cases and child custody cases. And today I want to start the first in a series on how to get the most from your lawyer. I want to talk about how to prepare for that first meeting in a child custody case. Child custody cases are emotional because they really kind of go to the heart of your family relationships.

How You Feel

A child custody case can be hard on your self-esteem.  For me personally, the worst thing you could possibly say to me is “you’re a terrible dad.” Yet in court the main line of attack seems to be about the person’s parenting.

One other thing I find maddening is that the court completely misses the truth in your case. I know because I’ve been there, I’m not only a divorce attorney, but I’m also a divorced attorney.

Not only have I seen hundreds of child custody cases play out, but I’ve been there myself. That’s important because many divorce attorneys have not been in their client’s shoes. In that first interview, when I’m taking in that case, I’m interested in getting facts, but mostly I want the big picture. What are your big concerns about the children? What are you looking for the court to do about them?

Most conversations that I have with clients start with the client simply spilling her guts about what happened. What happened is important information, but often it’s like drinking through a fire hose.  It is important to understand that as an attorney I’m taking your facts and putting them into categories, based on the law.  Everything that the court can do for you has elements.  For example, to charge someone with robbery, you need facts showing:

1. The accused took some property.

2. That property was in the possession or immediate presence of another person.

3. The property was taken against the person’s will.

4. The property was taken by force or threat of force.

Unless the prosecution proves that each of these elements were present, the jury cannot convict the defendant of robbery.  So were the accused person to come into my office, I wouldn’t care if he was broke and hungry when he committed the crime.  I wouldn’t care if he had argued with his girlfriend an hour before.  All I really care about are facts that fall  into one of those four categories.

Your Parenting Goals

A good place to start with your attorney is to let her know your goals for the litigation.  I recommend that you do some hard thinking about the type of parent you want to be. What are your financial and family goals? How do you balance work and family life? What time do you have available to parent? Do you have people in your life that can help you with childcare and other needs? Once I as your attorney know what your values and goals are around parenting, I can help you decide what parenting schedule is good for your situation.

Going to Court: What Your Attorney Needs

When we get to court we need to have a parenting plan already in mind, one that’s tailored specifically to your situation and presents solutions that will work for you. In California, Questions of child custody, revolve around what’s called the best interest of the child standard. When you’re telling me your story, I am looking at the facts through the lens of what’s best for your children.

During that initial client interview, my mind is busy, putting all the facts you’re giving me into these little cubbies of child’s best interest and what parenting plans I typically see. So here’s primarily what I need to know. What outcome are you looking for?  For example, if you’re concerned about physical or mental harm to the child, you may be looking for a restraining order or how to build a case of parental alienation.  If the the other parent is an otherwise good parent and you have a frequently-changing work schedule, you may need a flexible plan that will balance continuity for the child against your need to make a  living.

Let’s say I win your case, What does that outcome look like? What are you looking for in an order for the child? Are you looking for an order that the child have no contact with the other parent, or is your concern to have equal parenting time? Depending on your answer, our legal strategy will be different.

For example, if you want full legal and physical custody, be prepared to discuss your concerns about the other parent. Is there drinking, drug use abuse, parental alienation?  Be prepared to talk about those specific incidents of this.

For a more equal parenting plan, we need to know how you balance work and family.  Equal, 50-50 parenting time with your children may be a fair result, but if you’re a 70-hour plus a week executive working for a big company, you may find yourself unable to find the required time for that parenting plan.

Preparing for Your Consultation or Meeting with Your Attorney

Before you come into my office, think about what’s best for your children. Try coming up with a schedule that will allow you to participate in all aspects of parenting during your time. I find that people who know what they want at the outset tend to do better in child custody and visitation cases. These clients do better because judges, and custody mediators and other professionals perceive that they’ve actually thought through the decisions and what’s good for the kids.  This makes the client seem more “child-focused.”

So think through those things and come prepared to talk about the facts of our situation and also about your ideal outcome.  What are your goals for this litigation? What outcomes do you want and why do you want them?

Until next time, this is Thomas Ferreira exhorting you to live well and don’t let the turkeys get you down.

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Hi, Thomas Ferreira here, your attorney and mediator here in Carlsbad California for divorce cases and child custody cases. And this is part two of my blog series of “Five Things You Must Do When Appearing in Court”.  And this series is for people who, let’s face it, it’s nerve-wracking to appear in court. It’s a formal setting, people are watching, and they put the Judge way up on this high dais, and in a way, the surroundings are meant to say, “hey, this is a formal setting, this is serious”. And of course, you want it to be that way.

At the same time, you have to understand who the Judge is. The Judge is a human being, he or she is flesh and blood, just like you are. And he or she has problems that they want to solve in every case. And as a little tip, it’s always helpful to go and watch your Judge in action, go to the hearings, before your hearing is scheduled, go to a request for order hearing, and just watch. Watch the things that please the Judge and watch the things that tick him or her off. You’d be surprised what you can learn. But todays blog is on being proactive.

Be Proactive

If you react to the other sides’ arguments, it’s not as persuasive as if you have a plan going in and you’re are proactive. What does it mean to be proactive? It means to know what you want going into that hearing, and then ask the Court for what you want and provide reasons why the Court should give you what you want. The Court has read your declaration, they have the basic facts. Ok, so when you approach the Court, you have to see the Court in the context of “what problems is this Judge trying to solve?” You go into Court, you want to win, you want a certain result, right? And maybe you want to humiliate your ex too, I don’t know. That by the way is not a good motivation, and it will pull you off track. But you have to see the problem from the Judges point of view.

The Court, the Judge, sometimes we call the Judge the Court, and so forgive me if I do that. The Court wants to make the right decision in your case. The Court wants the parties to be problem solvers, the Court wants the parties to get along and cooperate in the solving of problems and when you have a divorce case, you have this set of problems. You have children, you have the house, you have the property, you have the support and so forth. Let me give you a very simple example to explain what I mean, by being proactive.

Sometimes people can’t agree on who should move out of family homes. So, you’ve got dad living on the couch. Sometimes I still live on the couch, but only when I tick off my wife. But anyway, maybe you’ve moved down to the couch as a permanent thing, and you’re thinking, “wow, this is my house, I’m on the mortgage, I’m on the title, I should be able to live in my own house.” And that may well be true.

So, you file a request for order, asking that she move out of the family home. And you come into Court, you’ve given the facts, and now you’re ready to make your argument, and what are the problems, as this Court, this Judge, looks over the top of their eyeglasses down at you from the dais, what is on their mind. Well, for one thing, they are concerned about your property rights. The Court doesn’t want to take away the right of somebody to enjoy the use of their own property. At the same time, in divorce cases, there are ways of reimbursing a party, which is beyond the scope of this and I won’t get into it. But essentially, the biggest concern the Court has in this situation, is they don’t want to read about this case in the newspaper.

They want to prevent an incident of domestic violence. And you’d be surprised how often this dispute over who should move out erupts into violent episode that gets someone arrested. So basically, the best argument is, if mom or wife doesn’t move out of the marital residence, there could be conflict. And that conflict could escalate, so it’s best for all parties.

The Court is also concerned, however, that that person has a place to live. So, the problem is, we live on a planet that has gravity, and everybody has to stick somewhere. And in California you have to pay a considerable amount of rent to stick somewhere. So, if you really want to get the other person moved out, have a solution to that problem in your hip pocket. Tell the Court “look, we have a fund, we have an IRA that we can get a loan from, or we have a cash asset, or we have something we can easily cash out that would give her first and last months’ rent. And some furniture and so forth.”

Problem Solve

 I remember when I was going through my divorce, I was hoping that my ex wife would move out of the house. And the problem was, she didn’t have any place to go. So, without knowing anything about family law, I knew that to get her out of the house, one of the things that would make it really easy, is if I provided the first and last months’ rent, since I was the monied spouse. If I also provided some furniture, because she had the kids half the time and she needed bunk beds and all this stuff. So basically, I didn’t know how much support I was going to pay, but I wrote her a check, this is for, you didn’t get furniture and all the things that you need to get set up. If you tell the Court that you are willing to do that, the Court is going to look at her and say, hey why don’t you move out?

 On the other hand, the Court wants to be fair to the parties, so if you’re the one that’s creating the problem, lets say that you are in her shoes and you want the Court to let you stay in the marital residence. An argument you can make is, hey he’s been violent in the past and I’m concerned for my safety and the safety of the children. The Court is very concerned about child safety. The Court is very concerned about child welfare. So, these are arguments that will ring true. And you want to make them proactively, instead of just reacting to what they are saying. And you want to solve that problem for the Court. Show in your argument how giving you the relief you want makes sense. Ok, here’s another example. You go to Family Court services and you get a lousy report. And let say you’re dad and the report says the custody in this case will be every other weekend and a weekday overnight, Friday to Saturday. Well, you want more time.

Fairness Isn’t a Good Argument

 First of all, “I want 50/50 because its fair” is not a persuasive argument in Family Court, it’s just not a persuasive argument. Again, one of the problems that the Court wants to solve, well first of all, the Courts concerned primarily about the safety of the children. So, if there’s some issue there, you can move the dial. Secondly, the Court wants to ensure that this trial has two parents. That these children will never feel abandoned by one of their parents. If one parent has all the parenting time, and the other parent is just a visitor, the children can sometimes feel abandoned. So, if you hit that point, it’s going to be persuasive to the Court. Because the Court wants to make sure that the kids have two parents that love them. And that they have lots of time with both parents.

Another thing that the Court really, really, really wants is for the parents to cooperate. Cooperation is something that most freshly separated people have a hard time doing, lets face it. But if you are the one that’s willing to cooperate, and willing to solve problems, and all the other party can do is just attack you and be a nay-sayer, and call you a liar and so forth, you’re probably going to win. Because you’re solving the problem that the Court has. You’re cooperating with the other side. Here’s a tip, if the other side’s being a jerk, you’re winning. Let them be a jerk, you bring your halo to the Courthouse. And make sure that you are willing to cooperate and be a problem solver in Family Court. Ok, so what have we learned?

We want to be proactive, we want to be prepared. We want to make specific arguments, that are going to help the Court to solve the problems, which in most request for order situations are temporary problems. Where are the parties going to live, how are they going to be supported, where are the children going to live, how are we going to make sure that they have a relationship with both parents? Let the other side be a monkeys-butt, and you bring your halo. Ok, so next time, we are going to talk about how not to be reactive. That’s kind of the opposite of being proactive. So, until next time, I’m Thomas Ferreira, and I’ll see you on the flip side.

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This series assumes that you have already filed and served your responsive declarations or your request for order—that you’ve done the written paperwork and presented all the documentary evidence that you need to present.

Your task now is to persuade the judge once you’re in court.  There are certain “do’s and don’ts,” a certain secret sauce, and when you see attorneys doing this you can tell that they’re being effective.

But it’s like anything else—you can do it and do it well, and I’m going to teach you how to do that.

PREPARING BEFORE THE HEARING:

You want to prepare for the hearing in advance so that you know what you’re going to say.  Read through your declarations and your evidence.  Look at the photos and other items that you are offering to the court.  Tease out those facts that support the result you want.

MAKE PROACTIVE STATEMENTS.

Work backward from the result you want to the facts that support that result.  And be proactive in your arguments.

Being proactive means that you ask for what you want and you don’t react to what the other side is doing.  They’re going to ask for what they want.  Don’t worry about them.

Write down the three major points you want to make.  For example:

1.  I want more time with our children in the parenting plan.

2.  I want to reduce my support payment.

3.  I want to have unsupervised visits with the children.

Next, set out the child-focused facts that support these positions.  It’s okay to write out your your remarks in advance if you’re nervous.

The opposite of being proactive is focusing on the other party’s arguments, things like “she constantly withholds the children from me,” or “he says bad things to me in text messages, and etc.

Or, the simple phrase of “gal darnit, it’s just not fair.”  As an aside, “it’s not fair” is almost never a good argument in family court.

A better way to approach that is to make your arguments through the eyes of the child.  Something like this:

Your honor, this child has a warm, tight relationship with me and it’s clear that he misses me.  And it’s really important to him as he getws older that this child have a father in his life

Now I know that this court has ordered supervised visits.  What I’m asking this court to do is to remove that supervision because it taints the interaction that I have with the child and makes everything more difficult.

And, your honor, I have done my anger management class, I have entered a 12-step program.  I have done (fill in the blank) that the court wants me to do.

I’ve been doing this supervised visit for three months and I believe it’s time to have unsupervised visits with our kids.

That’s a more persuasive argument than “mom is withholding them,” and she’s manipulative, and she’s always nasty in text messages and the like.

Make your arguments in a positive way and this will be more persuasive to the court.

The court wants to see that you “get it,” which means that you see the case the way the court sees it, that is, through the eyes of the child, and through the problems that court is trying to solve, such as support.

Next time I’m going to talk about how to be proactive rather than reactive when you are speaking in front of the judge.

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

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If you’ve spent any time in family court you know that the court doesn’t always do what you think it will, especially in child custody cases.  Maybe you’ve been the at-home parent for ten years, and dad has suddenly discovered that you have kids together.  Or, perhaps mom is bat bleep crazy, but seems to turn the tide against you at every hearing or at Family Court Services mediation.

I’ve seen over and over again those parents who do the same thing time after time while expecting a different result.  I remember one family law judge asking a father, “how many times are you going to bring this same motion before this court?”  This parent’s reply:  “as many times as it takes.”

That was, as you will suspect, the wrong answer.  Here’s a little secret that will get you better results in custody court than the best lawyer in San Diego County:  Winning in child custody cases often requires doing precisely the opposite of what you feel inclined to do.

Case in point:  Dad comes into court or mediation demanding 50-50 custody.  You know that he is a pothead and that he would rather be partying with the boys than be cooped up with your kids.  But he says he wants to step up and be the father he never was during the marriage.

Your natural inclination might be to limit his visits to two or three weekly visits for a couple of hours, while you watch him like a hawk.  Surely the court will see how irresponsible he is.

But the court wants you to give him more time.  If you resist, and complain about dad’s shortcomings, the court may get the idea that you don’t support his parent-child relationship, or worse, that you’re more concerned with punishing your ex than loving your kid.

Try the opposite.  Be generous by proposing more time with that parent.  It will do two things:

1.  You will give a child-focused impression on the court, an impression that they will remember; and

2.  You will give your co-parent the opportunity to either step up or fail.

Once you have established that you are child-centered and supportive of the other parent, the other parent will have to step up.  If that parent’s priority is something other than the kids (such as partying, playing pick-up basketball or working long hours), you’ll start to get more opportunities to parent outside the schedule.  The court is going to see what is going on, and likely you will end up with more parenting time.

If you are the “out parent,” seize that opportunity to step up.  If you get a 50-50 time share, now’s your time to shine as a parent.  Be willing to make those kids a priority.

I always say that child custody cases are a marathon, not a sprint.  If you don’t like your time share with your son or daughter, play the long game.  Don’t expect the court to be able to solve your problem after one ruling.

This often requires doing something other than your first inclination.  Do the opposite.  And…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

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In today’s economy, many separated and divorcing people face being their own lawyer at a California child support, child custody or alimony (spousal support) hearing. Learning how to write declarations for divorce court is an important skill for any lawyer or anyone trying to represent themselves and persuade their judge. Whether your case is set in Vista, San Diego, El Cajon or Riverside, You may wonder, “how do I get support or child custody if I don’t have a huge war chest?” Increasingly, fathers and mothers in divorce cases must learn how to write their own declarations or affidavits for divorce court in support of their positions on child custody, child support, alimony and property issues.

Here’s the rub: Family Court judges are lawyers, trained to understand legal arguments. Even if you are before the court In Pro Per (literally “on behalf of myself”), you are expected to write a lawyer-like declaration, and to present accurate, neat, lawyer-like pleadings.

I have had private conversations with judges who tell me that they dread seeing the unrepresented child custody, child support and alimony cases come before them. Though you may not think so, these hard-working judges really do care about the well-being of your children and they want to make a fair decision in your case. You will get more time with your children, and a better child support or alimony award, if you make the judge’s job easier. Here are some tips:

1. When drafting Request for Order (RFO) declarations, stick to the facts and avoid conclusions. Preparing declarations is a little like writing a newspaper article. Stick to the what, where, why, when and how. Avoid conclusions like “she is an unfit mother,” or “he is an emotionally abusive father.” It is better to let the facts do the talking. The more specific you can be as to the exact date, time, place and circumstance of each individual instance, the better. Instead of making a conclusion, set forth the facts that will lead the judge irresistibly to your conclusion.

2. Break your narrative into short, numbered paragraphs. Nothing will give your Family Court judge an Excedrin headache faster than long, run-on paragraphs. When I write declarations, I number each paragraph, and I break each incident down into a brief paragraph setting forth the “what, where, why, when and how” of the incident I wish to describe. Here’s an example:

“On April 11, 2011, Ms. Jones pleaded guilty to charges of driving under the influence of alcohol/drugs, driving with a blood alcohol content of greater than 0.8% and-and-run with property damage. At the time of the arrest in the latter case, February 12, 2011 at 11:00 PM, Ms. Jones was driving, presumably while intoxicated, with the minor children in the backseat of her car.”

3. Proofread your work. The more professional your work product, the better. Have a friend, preferably a good speller, review your work. Take the time to do your writing well, and if you know someone who is a good writer, have them ghost-write your declaration. Make sure your work is easy to read and understand, and you will increase the chances that the judge will rule in your favor.

4. Hire an expert lawyer, such as Thomas Ferreira, to draft your moving papers. I am an excellent writer, deeply familiar with type of writing that Family Court judges expect. Also, I am able to be objective, writing your request for child support, increased time with your children or spousal support in a way that will impress the judge without sounding shrill. And, current Rules of Court do not require that an attorney performing “unbundled services” reveal that he is the actual author of the papers. You are free to present your papers to the court as your own.

Following this advice, you should be able to make a winning argument at your child custody or support hearing. Please not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about how to draft winning declarations.

Would you like more detailed instructions on How to Write Declarations the Court Will Read? You can purchase Thomas’ e-book by clicking here. (This e-book has been updated in 2017).

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post HOW TO WRITE DECLARATIONS FOR DIVORCE COURT HEARINGS: TIPS FROM AN EXPERT CHILD CUSTODY AND DIVORCE LAWYER appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Here’s a little secret about California’s child custody laws: Like other “family” laws, child custody and visitation laws are not designed to be fair to parents. Instead, the basic principle of child custody laws is known as the “best interest of the child’ standard.

When making decisions on your child custody matter, your family law judges are concerned with:
• The child’s safety.
• The child’s health.
• The child’s education.
• The child’s protection from an abusive, or inadequate or drug-using parent.
• The child’s frequent and continuing contact with both parents.
• Stability and continuity in the child’s life.
There is a glaring omission here—what about the interests of the parties before the court, also known as the parents?

Here’s what I mean: Ask people with families why they decided to have children, and you’ll get answer’s like these:
• I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl.
• I wanted to pass down a legacy for my family.
• I have a passion to teach and mentor young people.
• I love children and find them fascinating.
I can’t think of anyone who wanted children because having them would serve the child’s “best interest.” I myself had children when I was older, and I can tell you that I didn’t know what love was until that little baby smiled back at me. He’s 13 now and my heart still breaks with love for him.

Here’s another secret: raising children can and should be fulfilling and meaningful. Can you have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with your children after divorce? What if you got the short end of the custody stick and have weekends or even just a few daytime visits?

The answer is an emphatic “YES!” I have found that the key to a satisfying life with your kids lies not in seeking court orders and submitting your situation to outside decision makers and evaluators.

Instead, take the energy you would spend litigating, and spend it on making your world a great place for your kids. Step up and help with homework, do something fun, or just be there when your kids need a shoulder to cry on. Such parents tend to wind up getting better court orders than those seeking “fairness” anyway.
Until next time…

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR REVEALS A SECRET ABOUT YOUR CHILD CUSTODY CASE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is Thomas Ferreira, your divorce and child custody lawyer and mediator in Carlsbad, California. I just got back from back-to-school orientation for my boys. I took this task on even though my ex-wife has the kids this week, applying my core strategy of being nice and building trust.

Now I’d like to move on to a subject on many of your minds: What do I do when I feel like I’m in over my head, especially if I have a family court date coming up? It may surprise you to learn that even seasoned family lawyers can be nervous before court. And, what about your written presentation. Don’t most judges make a tentative ruling before a family law or child custody hearing based on what you present in writing? You may be wonderful at explaining your case to others, but poor writer. Or maybe you write like a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, but you get tongue-tied and flabbergasted as soon as you’re before the court.

If that’s you, let me introduce you to a wonderful and well-hidden secret in family law: You don’t need to hire a lawyer to handle every aspect of the case. Hire a lawyer to do those things that you need, and manage the rest of the case yourself.

Ghost-Written Motion Papers:
One way to use a lawyer effectively and inexpensively is to have the lawyer “ghost-write” your court papers. Did you know that an expert family lawyer can write your papers for any motion, and you don’t have to disclose who did the work? You ask the lawyer to prepare your motion or Request for Order, and give the lawyer the facts. The lawyer will then write a persuasive declaration and written argument championing your cause. The paperwork is then filed by you. You get a professional work product without having the lawyer sign on as your attorney of record.

In California, I draft moving papers for request for order hearings (“RFOs”), domestic violence proceedings and even trial briefs. I can ghost-write RFOs or Responses to RFOs in your divorce case for a flat fee of $700. Prices may vary based on complexity of the matter, but I will normally require a $3,000 deposit (10 hours of professional time) to handle the same RFO from start to finish.

You know your case better than anyone. You know your finances and your relationship to the children, and are in the best position to argue your RFO. And, you’ve put your best foot forward with a top-flight declaration, legal brief (“points and authorities) and list of exhibits.

Spot Appearances:
If you’ve followed our advice in the past and organized your exhibits and evidence, you may just need someone to argue the motion in court. An attorney can sign a “Notice of Limited Scope Representation” and be your attorney of record for just that appearance.

I find that many times people spend their entire war chest early in the case, and find themselves facing a child custody or family law trial without an attorney. If you’ve got a fight on your hands, it’s sometimes effective to save your best ammunition for the final battle. Have a lawyer draft your moving papers, your exhibits, and then make the appearance at your trial. Make sure you make arrangements with the attorney well in advance of the trial date, as most attorneys are reluctant to jump into a case in the weeks leading up to a trial.

Unbundled Services as Part of a Comprehensive Plan:
Unbundled representation is not always the best way to go, and I advise you to consult with a lawyer early on to create a comprehensive plan of action. If you’re using attorney services as needed, you are responsible to build the case file and the record without the lawyer’s help. It’s best to establish a relationship with a lawyer who has familiarity with your case. Don’t expect a lawyer to jump in and try your case one week before the trial date.

Remember, too, that the best case is a settled case. Try to avoid court battles when possible so that you can …

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post UNBUNDLED SERVICES GIVE YOU PROFESSIONAL LEGAL HELP WITHOUT THE HUGE ATTORNEY PRICE TAG appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Most divorce and child custody lawyers will spend their free consultation (or one that they will charge your credit card $350 for) convincing you of how much you need them.  According to the standard pitch, you are in extremely deep voodoo, and the only way out is to hire them to fight for you.  And the more you fight, the more money they make.

Tammy and I founded Divorce Life Solutions(tm) to help people avoid the biggest mistakes divorcing people make.  The truth is, your divorce case can and should settle without expensive litigation.  That’s not going to happen if you simply dump your shoebox of documents on the lawyer’s desk and say “fix this.”  Here’s the secret sauce that will save you huge bucks and lead to financial security, and to a secure relationship with your kids:

1. Understand and deal with the immediate emotional trial caused by every divorce.
2. Develop a plan of escape.
3. Get all your papers together in a neat, tabbed binder.
4. Spreadsheet everything you make, spend, own and owe, with realistic numbers based on the past.
5. You can do most of the legal paperwork yourself.
6. Use unbundled attorney representation so that you only pay for what you need.
7. Use an experienced, trained divorce mediator to assist with difficult negotiations.
8. Pursue long-term goals and let go of the need for fairness and revenge.
9. Don’t use dollar services to fight over penny issues.
10. Take charge of your own financial life when the proceedings are done.
11. Take the time, energy and money that you would use in the court process and devote it to your relationships with your children.
12. Life is too short to be angry and bitter—be joyful in your life; it will drive your ex crazy!

Consider Mabel, who lawyered her way into full custody of the kids and a hefty alimony award and spent $50,000 on her lawyer, half of which the court ordered her ex-husband to pay.  Mabel’s ex seldom saw his children, who are now surly, disrespectful teenagers.  Mabel’s ex paid his $3,000 per month support order for 2 years and abruptly announced that he would pay no longer.  Since he was willing to go to jail or live on a park bench rather than pay the support, he quit his 6-figure, 60 hour per week job and hung out a shingle as a handyman.  After that, he had no wages to garnish and has spent through his retirement account.  A couple of years later he unexpectedly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Now consider Julie, who decided to take charge of her life and avoid litigation.  She urged her ex to try mediation and resolved her case for about $4,000 in mediation fees.  She agreed to a step-down spousal support (alimony) order and went back to school to achieve her childhood dream of being a registered nurse.  Now, her ex is not her favorite person in the world, but he pays his support on time and is a huge help with the kids.  One day, the ex got drunk and drove his car into a ditch, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down.  Not to worry; July is now making $120,000 per year working for Tri-City Hospital as an RN, a job she finds greatly fulfilling.  In the process she has set an example to her children of how to take responsibility for your own life and make yourself a success by the sweat of your own brow.  And, she is immune from the consequences of her ex’s irresponsible behavior.

Which mother would you rather be?  I am in the process of writing an e-book for sale that will go into greater detail about the best way to divorce with your financial security intact.  Stay tuned, and until then…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CARLSBAD DIVORCE LAWYER AND MEDIATOR SPILLS THE BEANS-12 WAYS YOU ACHIEVE FINANCIAL SECURITY WITHOUT A LAWYER! appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

You’re all thinking, “Huh?  how can being kind help me get more time with my son or daughter?”  If that’s your thought, I invite you to take a look at what you’re doing now, and ask yourself honestly, is my strategy working?  Do I have the time I want with my children?

Have you ever been in court on your custody case, only to have the judge read you the riot act?  Maybe your the non-custodial parent (in most cases the father), and the other parent just won’t cut you a break.  They constantly insist on sticking to court orders that don’t allow you to have much time with your kid.  They make vital decisions without asking for your input.  Or they simply tell you what’s going to happen, using the court orders as a cudgel to beat you into submission.

If that’s your situation, the normal human tendency is to fight back.  “Hey, if she’s not going to be flexible about the schedule, why should I be flexible?”  You may even have tried taking her back to court on a modification, and are new stunned to discover that the judge is siding with the other parent!

KILL ‘EM WITH KINDNESS:

In most disputes between co-parents, courts will consider the willingness of the parents to cooperate.  But here’s the problem:  It’s just so tempting to send something nasty via text or e-mail.  Most people click “send” before letting their anger subside, and the nasty text then becomes exhibit “A” to their response to your motion.

The parents that get more time are the ones that the court believes will support the other parent and be wiling to compromise and cooperate.  Nasty communications will cause your judge to conclude that you are not willing to cooperate and that in fact you are the source of the problem.  So here are some tips:

• Whenever you communicate with your co-parent, assume that the court is going to read the communication.  Before you click “send,” ask yourself how this communication makes you look.  Do you appear shrill and vindictive or child-focused, nice and cooperative?
• In dealings with the other parent, show a willingness to deviate from the schedule or accommodate minor requests.  Unless the court orders are there to protect your children from harm (such as supervised visits), be willing to change them for the convenience of the other parent.  Work around their work schedule.  Allow them to spend extra time with extended family if they are in town for a visit.
• Do not mechanically insist that court orders be followed to the letter.  See the previous bullet.
• Non-custodial parents—don’t automatically insist on every minute of your parenting time even when it doesn’t make sense.  Courts believe that children benefit from cooperative parents, and solid research backs them up.
• Be nice.  Even when they are nasty.  Don’t return tit for tat.  Respond to their nasty communications by ignoring the barbs, slings and arrows they shoot.  Stick to the facts and even say something complementary.  Be so nice that they wonder what’s wrong with you.

If you do this, when you get to court you’ll have all their nasty messages with your nice replies, and you’ll have the upper hand.  And even better, you’ll be able to just call her and say, “hey, my dad’s in town, and I was wondering if I could extend my weekend to Monday?”  If you’ve been nice in the past, she might just say, “Okay.”  Even if she’s mean about it, you’ll still be getting what you want.  And your kids will have the benefit of parents who don’t fight.

I’ll be back on child support next week, and until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR BEST WEAPON IN CHILD CUSTODY DISPUTES: KINDNESS. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I have a question for those of you who are divorcing, have a paternity case pending or a support case pending:

Have you ever had some disagreement with your soon-to-be-ex, and vowed that you were going to take him/her to court?  Maybe you then had second thoughts later, because court is expensive and complicated.  What is an appropriate issue to stand pat and file that Request for Order?  And When should you suck it up and go on with life?

If your children are in actual danger because of the other parent’s abuse or neglect, you’ve got to act.  But what if he’s usually more than 15 minutes late to the transition point, and never calls ahead to say he’s running late?

THE COURT IS A BLUNT INSTRUMENT:

Our court system comes from merry old England, and is designed primarily to transfer money from one pocket into another and to determine the guilt or innocence of those accused of crimes.  These tasks are “all or nothing” situations.  “The court finds that you operated your automobile in a negligent manner, causing the plaintiff to suffer damages.”  Or, “We, the jury, find the defendant guilty of murder in the first degree.”

In family law, the court is asked to manage an ongoing relationship.  Courts generally struggle with the management of relationships.  When children are involved in divorce or paternity proceedings, the court is asked to act as “super-parent,” to resolve disagreements when parents can’t agree on what’s best for the children.  But your judge wasn’t there to see what happened, and the evidence is often conflicting.  When the issue is trivial, the courts expect the parents to behave “like adults” and not involve the court in petty disputes.

The court is good at making sweeping decrees, such as “I am awarding joint legal custody to the parents, with primary physical custody to the mother.”  The court will usually adopt one of the form, recurring visitation schedules, such as a 2-2-3 or alternate weekends.  The court can find that visits with a parent must be professionally supervised if there are issues of gross neglect or abuse.

The court is less able to regulate more minor issues such as whether to enroll Junior in football or baseball, or whether he should be allowed to grow his hair long.  In family law, we lawyers sometimes call this type of issue a “garbage issue.”

THE CHILD WELFARE TEST:

My clients often ask me to file for emergency orders over hygiene issues or possible drinking and partying.  When doing so, I ask this question:  is there a Child Welfare investigation pending?  If not, why not?

In my experience, the trend in family law is to give generous parenting time to “non-custodial parents” (usually dads).  Before you ask for full custody of the children and no overnight visitation to the other parent, ask yourself if that other parent is “adequate.”  Not, “is she a good parent,” but is she an “adequate parent?”  Today’s family courts usually grant liberal, overnight parenting time to “adequate parents.”  An inadequate parent is one who has committed an act of child neglect, such as placing the child in danger, or perhaps one with serious substance abuse problems.

MAJOR IN MAJORS AND MINOR IN MINORS:

If you just don’t like the books dad reads to the kids, or think his new girlfriend is a bad influence, I have three words for you:  “let it go.”  This is not just good co-parenting advice; it is good litigation strategy.  If you are the tolerant one and support the other parent’s relationship to the children, you’re more likely be found to be the parent who supports “frequent and continuing contact” with the other parent.  I have handled many cases where a parent lost significant time with the children because they nitpicked about the other parent’s world.  You’ll do better if you support frequent and continuing contact with the other parent.

It’s a paradox.  If you want more time with Johnny, you have to be supportive of his parenting time with dad or mom, and not raise a bunch of ticky-tacky issues with the court.  The court wants you to cooperate in raising Johnny.  Save the big guns to deal with major problems, such as that move-away situation or problems of neglect and abuse.

This isn’t easy.  It requires large amounts of grace and patience.  But it pays off over the long haul.

And if you want to commiserate, you can join our local Divorce University Online Meetup group or contact Tammy at 760-990-4752 to participate via video.

Stay tuned for next week’s blog, and until then,

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post CHILD CUSTODY SECRET: KNOWING WHEN THE COURT CAN HELP YOU, AND WHEN IT CAN’T. appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.