Thomas Ferreira here with the seventh post in my series on achieving financial security without a lawyer. Today I want to talk to you about the most powerful tool in your tool kit for saving money and getting great results in your divorce case: Mediation.

If you have entered the strange alternate universe of divorce and child custody, then I have a question for you: How many of you want a fair result from your division of assets? How many of you want strong relationships with your kids? How about support orders that give your kids what they need but don’t leave you destitute?

In short, you want a divorce result that you will be happy with down the road, one that preserves your relationships, gives you financial security, and isn’t totally lopsided in favor of your ex.
What you don’t want is a huge battle with your ex that leaves you broke, alienated from your kids and with a bunch of court orders you hate and never agreed to in the first place.

But often people unwittingly choose the second option by engaging in conflict or hiring aggressive family lawyers. Many of you will hire champions of justice who will ask the court to solve your problems by making arguments to a third-party judge who knows little about your family. Others of you will start off trying to cooperate, but find out that their ex won’t agree to anything. They wind up making their pitch to the same third-party judge, and often are surprised that the judge sided with their ex—and also surprised by their attorney’s bill. A typical attorney bill for divorce is $25,000 on each side by the time it’s over. That’s $50,000, enough for a fancy new car, or a couple of years of private school tuition for your kid.

I’ve often said that there is a certain almost magical quality to mediation. I have people who swear that it won’t work, and by the end of session one they are agreeing and even being nice to each other for the first time in a long time. Tammy Ferreira and I have done hundreds of cases together, and each one seems impossible at first. It shouldn’t surprise any of you that people come into our office angry, hurt and mistrustful of their soon-to-be-ex. Most people think their case is the impossible case. In my experience, almost any case can be changed from high conflict to high trust through mediation.

You see, the best way to resolve problems is by having a discussion. You know your own finances and your family better than any judge will. But here’s what happens: You start your conversation like two boxers in round one who are sizing up each other. Then, someone lands a punch, causing the other to become defensive. Conversations between divorcing people often go downhill from there, spiraling into conflict and sometimes even violence.
As mediators, we are trained to keep conversations from going off the rails. We always look for win-win, solutions, that is, those decisions that benefit both people. We know exactly what to do when a party feels attacked or the conversation becomes heated.

Here’s something your attorneys won’t tell you: most of your cases are not that difficult. Dividing assets and calculating support can be done with 7th-grade math. Parenting plans can be designed to ensure that your kids have quality parenting time with both parents. The hard part is finding the sweet spot of resolution between two angry, hurt or scared individuals.

I’ve often said that mediation is the sanest way to resolve divorce cases. A typical mediation costs about a tenth of a fully litigated divorce, or about $2,000 to $2,500 per party. And, the results are your results, arrived at voluntarily, and not imposed on you by an outside person.

You can mediate with me and Tammy, or if you prefer we’ll refer you to another mediator. But by all means get to a mediator. It’s the best way to …

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post USE MEDIATION TO DIVORCE FOR ONE-TENTH OF THE COST AND ACTUALLY BE HAPPY WITH THE RESULT appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

This is Thomas Ferreira, your family law attorney and mediator in Carlsbad California. Today I want to tell you about a philosophy of going through a divorce, child custody, support or other family law matter.
If you are already in the thick of family law litigation you will recognize some of the things I will discuss in this post. For those of you at the very beginning, you may feel like your at the edge of a black abyss, staring down into unknown depths and wondering what’s in store for you.
What I’d like to do is shine a light into the abyss, and give you some philosophy you can use right away as you start this journey in California family law court.
1. It’s Not What You Think.
Most people think divorce court or child custody court is always the way it is portrayed in the movies. That is, by its nature nasty, adversarial and dominated by lawyers and judges. But the truth is, in a large majority of the 138,121 divorce filings in fiscal year 2014-2015, about 70 percent of the cases had at least one self-represented person at the beginning, and by the end of the case about 80 percent did. That’s a lot of self-represented folks.
2. Change your thinking about your case.
When thinking about a core philosophy of moving through divorce, I’m tempted to cite the episode of Seinfeld where George decides he is going to do the opposite of his normal inclination for every decision he makes. Straight off, he goes up to an attractive female and says, “Hi, I’m George Costanza, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
This may not be a good real-life guide to our family law system, but for many of you it may be a good thing to have in your head as you consider your options.
The temptation is strong in divorce and child custody to take actions that are hurtful to the other side and destroy trust. After all, you are divorcing or breaking up. It’s natural to send emotional attacking messages. It’s natural to seek the most aggressive lawyer you can find to make them pay or protect your rights. This is literally what most people do.
I know a man whose divorce case cost him and his ex-wife over half a million dollars. The case was eventually tried in 6 full days, and the court rendered a verdict transferring a huge portion of his wealth to his ex. He struggles with bitterness over the result, and over the effect all this has had on his children.
If I could sum up the philosophy I have used to move through the system for countless clients and through my own case, I would say, “If you want to do well in the divorce system, take every opportunity to build trust between you and your soon-to-be-ex.
This seems counter-intuitive, so let me explain. If you’re nice to the other, understanding their decision, helping them with the children, and following through on commitments and obligations, you’ll build trust over time. If you have the trust and confidence of the other, you won’t need aggressive lawyers, who really only make things worse and more expensive. You’ll be able to agree. You’ll be able to look at the big picture, and resolve your case.
In my own case, my current wife and practice manager, Tammy, has taught me much about this. She is kind to my ex-wife, helping her with our kids and the kids from my ex-wife’s second marriage. This kindness has engendered a trust that helps my ex and me when we have disagreements. We have, with a few exceptions, been able to move through the process without court intervention.
A second philosophy that I have covered in other posts is that the family court is ill-equipped to solve most of the problems that come before it. There is a guy that I met recently that I see nearly every time I am in court. He keeps coming back, thinking that the court can solve his problems. He is like the proverbial person who keeps doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.
The take away here is that if you can sum up the courage and self-control to be nice to your ex, you’ll end up with more money and more happiness after the process is over. And the second take-away is that often the court cannot solve your problems.

Until next time…

Love your family,
Protect your finances, and
Reach for your future!
Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post YOUR PHILOSOPHY OF DIVORCE AND WHY IT MATTERS appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Sometimes it’s better to settle for less.  You may be thinking, wow, did a lawyer just say that?  Yes, you heard that right.  I don’t mean getting less value; I mean getting more value.  If you’re wondering how accepting less money or less support could possibly lead to your getting more value, read on.

Win-lose—the paradigm of our litigation system:

Attorneys have minds like steel traps.  If there’s a closely-held business we need a professional evaluator to apply the discounted cash flow method of evacuation, using the Gordon Model Multiple.  Or if spousal support is in issue we need an in depth analysis of all 14 of the Family Code section 4320 factors.  Each lawyer argues and fights to push the needle in their direction on each individual issue, and such issues are resolved one-by-one in isolation.  On the spousal support question, we might spend half an hour on Husband’s income, half and hour on whether and how much income to impute to Wife, whether it’s legitimate to consider unearned stock options as income available for support, and on and on.  Here is a diagram of a typical result for such a negotiation:

Here the lawyers have neatly divide an asset, such as a business, into equal 35 percent shares for each of the divorcing parties.  It’s certainly even, but the combined shares of Husband and Wife are 70 percent.  The red area is the attorney’s cut.

The win-win paradigm of mediation:

One way to make the pie bigger it to cut out the divorce attorney’s share by doing your own legal work—but this has a high degree of difficulty.  And, we can do better than that. The chart below illustrates how intangible values can actually make the pie bigger:

An “intangible” is something that’s worth something to a divorcing spouse that can’t be directly measure by a professional evaluator or lawyer.  How much money would you pay to have a good relationship with your children?  If you have a complicated and nasty hearing coming up, how much would you pay to avoid it?  Here is a partial list of intangible values:

1.  Avoiding painful hearings and trials.

2.  Teaching respect and tolerance of others to your children by example.

3.  Teaching children to respect their mother or father.

4.  Having happy, well-adjusted children.

5.  Moving on with your post-divorce life.

6.  Having an asset that has sentimental value.

7.  Living in proximity for co-parenting.

8.  Being able to co-parent peacefully and civilly.

9.  Fairness and equity.

10.  The dignity of being self-supporting in a career you’ve always wanted.

I’m not suggesting that you always put these intangible items on the table during negotiations.  But it helps to consider them when deciding how much to offer and when to settle.  And, it starts you to thinking about solutions that benefit Husband, Wife, the children, the extended family and friends.

Many people lose their sanity and happiness during painful and expensive divorce litigation.  But as the most wise person to ever live said, “what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?”  Remember to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post The Value of Intangibles in Divorce Negotiation appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

If you are a regular reader of this blog you already know the value of divorce mediation, as compared to plunking down a big retainer for a divorce lawyer, trying to DIY it or burying your head in the sand. “But,” you say, “you’ll never get him in to mediation.”  Or, “there’s no way I can mediate with her—we’re just too far apart.”

As mediators, Tammy Ferreira CDFA(tm) and I are trained to handle objections, and we can usually get even the most stubborn parties to resolve the matter.  The magic happens when we show the person that a settlement actually benefits them.  In mediation we focus on solutions that benefit both parties.  These benefits can be big—thousands in attorney fees, staying away from stressful court appearances, or just being done.

Often more than half the battle is getting the other person through the doors of our mediation office.  Here is a two-step method that will work most of the time.

Step One:  Become a Mediation Nerd.

My now ex-wife announced that she was seeking divorce 10 years ago, and I knew nothing then.  I was fortunate to have a friend who taught one of the high conflict classes the courts order when divorcing parents can’t get along.  Here’s what I learned:

• Realistically, a case of average complexity will cost about $15,000 to $20,000  for each lawyer, and I met people in the class who had spent well into six figures.  Our average mediation costs about $4,500 plus your court filing fees.
• Most cases require multiple “Request for Order” hearings that are costly and upsetting.  Declarations are filed detailing all the nasty stuff you know about each other in a public record that anyone can see.  Mediation is a completely confidential way to divorce that keeps you out of court and out of the poorhouse.
• Lawyers have a built-in conflict of interest.  It’s in both of your interest to resolve the case without court, but your lawyers make more money if they keep you fighting.  Mediators’ main interest is in resolving conflict and finding solutions.
• In mediation you can explore solutions that benefit both of you.
• If for some reason mediation doesn’t work, you can always go the court route.

You know what it’s like to talk to a nerd.  For example, watch how excited your tax accountant gets talking about how he can use the tax code to save you money.  A passionate advocate is an effective advocate.

Step Two:  Be a Broken Record.

I prefer voice communication when discussing these matters, though this may be difficult at your stage.  I find that if I can get the other person in my office or on the phone, I can usually get them to come in.  I am the world’s biggest mediation nerd, after all.

The big mistake most people make is allowing the conversation to stray into the details of the divorce, such as how you will share the children or the financial arrangements.  Our advice:  don’t bring up any issues in your case.  Your sole objective is to get them in to the mediation process.  If you’re as old as I am you remember vinyl long-playing records.  When broken, they would skip, and repeat a certain phrase or lyric over and over again.  Be a broken record by returning the conversation to the benefits of mediation.  Here are some examples:

Spouse:  I want 50-50 custody of our kids.  That’s what’s fair and even if I go to mediation I won’t accept anything less than 50-50 custody. (Note—you may be totally opposed to the 50-50 idea, but it’s best to acknowledge that it is a possible outcome if your goal is to get your spouse in the door.)

You:  Fifty-fifty custody might be a great way to share the children.  Let’s talk about that in mediation.

Spouse:  I don’t care what happens.  I’m not paying you alimony.

You:  It may be that you don’t owe any alimony.  The mediator can help us decide, and if you disagree you can always get another opinion from your own lawyer.

Note that in the above examples you acknowledge that their proposed resolution is not out of the question.  Then you make the record skip back to how great the mediation process would be.  This is not the time to stake out your positions in the case, as tempting as that may be.Remember to stay true to the mission—getting your spouse to see the mediator.  It is important to deal with that person’s fear of loss, often the biggest obstacle to getting a party through the mediator’s doors.

Mediation is the single best method of getting your divorce.  Ask any divorce attorney how they would handle their own divorce case, and if they’re honest, they’ll tell you to settle quickly and avoid going to court.

Hoping this helps you to achieve your post-divorce dreams, I urge you to…

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post TWO STEPS TO GET ANY SPOUSE INTO DIVORCE MEDIATION (NO MATTER HOW RELUCTANT THEY ARE) appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

We often advertise these free workshops on Facebook.  Some of the participants become customers, but mostly this is our way to give back some of the wisdom we have acquired in our own journeys.

Yet every time we post our video on Facebook we get the usual slough of negative reactions.  Mostly they convey the commenter’s disgust that we would dare to advertise our unique service on Facebook, what with families falling apart all over the place.  One commenter summed it up by simply posting “WTF”.

Far be it from me to promote divorce on Facebook.  I am a family man, involved in a healthy and successful parenting plan with my now ex wife, happily remarried, and accomplishing so much of my life’s work that it’s sometimes hard to find time to rest.  I am a married man by temperament, and for those of you who have marital bliss as I now do, God bless you.  Please scroll past our ad—our workshop’s not for you.

For the rest of you, I know that the decision to divorce is not being made whimsically or lightly.  I start from the premise that to divorce is to have to admit failure on a deep and personal level.  Divorce is almost always a financial and an emotional disaster, and it hurts kids.

I tell my seminar participants to think hard about their decision, as often times a divorce doesn’t solve the problem that the person hopes it will.  Most peoples’ problems are internal to them, not imposed upon them by other people, circumstances or the world.

But for many people, divorce is unavoidable.  In California, you don’t need a reason to divorce—if your spouse files a petition, you’re getting a divorce whether you want one or not.  Tammy and I both know this because we’ve both been there and have the receipts to prove it.

From the leaving spouse’s perspective, how much infidelity or abuse should you tolerate before concluding that the marriage should be dissolved?  I’d like to hear from our “WTF” people out there (you can write a comment to this blog below) if there is anything that your spouse could do that would cause you to end the marriage.  For example, how many extramarital affairs are you willing to tolerate?

Our free divorce workshops have helped numerous people to avoid the usual emotional and financial carnage of divorce.  Many will come to the workshop and learn that a divorce won’t solve their problems, and will be encouraged to persevere in their marriage.  Many others come to hear the transformative message that there really is life after the process is over.  We teach divorcing people to take stock of their life purpose and reflect on their personal values.  We encourage divorcing people to think long and hard about their long-term personal, family and financial goals.

Many divorcing people are reactive to the prospect of divorce, buying into the idea that once the marriage is over, the gloves come off.  We help divorcing people avoid that outlook and to adopt a healthier approach.  Our philosophy encourages parties to prosper and to salvage what is still good in their family relationships.  They are able to plan their divorce with an eye to what the future holds, instead of holding on to an irreparably broken past.

Now isn’t that outcome worth a little irritation on Facebook?

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post “WTF” AND OTHER RESPONSES TO OUR FACEBOOK ADVERTISING appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

I know it will sound weird to many of you, but I just love reading history books.  It’s always good for divorced and divorcing people to have hobbies, and being an armchair historian is one of mine.  I find the human condition fascinating, and I continually wonder why perfectly rational and normal human beings are so willing to run towards one another in large groups with fixed bayonets, in the teeth of machine gun fire.  The explanation has to do with something historians describe as total war.

“Total War” may be described as a something that advanced, European societies, the birthplaces of “the enlightenment”, engaged in mostly in the 20th century.  The defining characteristic of total war is the mobilization of every social institution, from government, to churches, to schools, to industry and commerce, for the insurance of military victory.  Total war is marked by the mustering of vast armies of young men (mostly men), as many as 10 million or more, in a last-man-standing war of attrition.

Does this remind you of your divorce? (you were hoping I’d get to that).  Sadly, many divorcing people spend everything they have, including their financial and their emotional resources, in a scorched earth campaign to defeat one another.  As with Europe after 2 world wars, the conflict leaves the combatants exhausted, cynical (see the writings of Jean Paul Sarte) and grief-stricken.

When I do divorce, I am astounded at excellent lawyers who are so sure they will win the case.  You see, one unalterable facet of human nature is to see the situation from your own vantage point.  You’ll win for sure, because your cause is righteous.  God is on your side.  Wow, and look at your armies (the attorney) and your war chest.

Alas, war is always a win-lose situation.  War becomes total when the parties slowly realize that victory is not sure, and therefore must be pursued at all cost.  As combatants become “entrenched,” resolution becomes impossible because of the huge sacrifice that has already been invested.

This is what leads some divorcing people to spend $200,000 on each side, fighting over a business worth $400,000.  Children suffer.  Parties leave the process exhausted, impoverished, cynical, their family life ruined.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I would encourage divorcing people not to become to become too invested in the righteousness of their legal position (my ex-wife used to say that WAR stands for “we are right.”)  Trained as we are for court combat, we lawyers tend to become overconfident, and this tends to cloud our judgment.  Consequently, we tend to see our client’s position in an overly favorable light.

In my experience, in a trial between 2 top tier lawyers, one party still comes out the loser.

In July of 1914 the mass armies of Europe were itching to start a fight that each side was sure they’d win quickly.  Everyone thought the troops would be home by Christmas.  This belief, prevalent on all sides  of the conflict, led the mass armies of Germany to invade France through Belgum (the famous Schlieffan Plan), while the French and British Marched out heroically to meet them.  Once the initial huge investment was made, the combatants settled in for a long slough, 4 years of murderous trench warfare.

Isn’t it better to have a conversation?  In divorce mediation, professional mediators help you to have a discussion and analyze what you want, and why you want it.  A frank, mediated discussion nearly always leads to a rapid resolution of your case.  Given the tendency toward total war, what do you have to lose?

Remember to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post MEDIATION: THE BEST WAY TO AVOID TOTAL WAR IN YOUR DIVORCE appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Sadly, the vast majority of divorce professional advice out there assumes the win-lose paradigm.  As lawyers, we are trained in this paradigm.  I have been to countless seminars teaching lawyers to “put the other side at risk.”  In this paradigm, the only consideration is what a court will ultimately do in a certain situation.  Many neutrals or mediators out there are retired family law practitioners or judges who see their role as simply helping the parties figure out who would win if the case went to trial.

For most of you, your family situation is a lot more complicated than running the support calculator or splitting the retirement account 50-50.  Consider a divorcing person who is retired and in poor health.  Many times such people will make their last years on Earth miserable fighting it out in court, when getting more money (what courts are good at deciding) really isn’t their most important value.  Often times, when people are close to retirement, a huge legal battle only serves to wipe out what’s left of their savings, at at time when they need every penny to reach their financial goals.

Too many lawyers see a divorce case as a game of brinksmanship, where the goal is to create enough fear and misery in the other party to force a settlement.  Lawyers are trained to work in a system with fixed rules and certain defined outcomes.  The paradigm of the legal system is “Petitioner versus Respondent,” or “Husband versus Wife” or “Kramer versus Kramer.”  Frankly, too many of my colleagues can’t see outside the box of this very limiting paradigm.

How to Think “Win-Win.”

Win-win thinking begins by making a list of the parties’ interests.  Here are some common interests in divorce cases:

• Financial ability to create a home for the children;
• Financial ability to retire at a given age;
• Availability of health insurance or healthcare for all parties;
• Frequent and satisfying contact between each party and the children;
• Ability to live freely and independently from the control of the other party;
• Ability to create your own family life after divorce;
• Ability to have a satisfying career after divorce;
• Avoiding the pain and expense of litigation.

Next, what are the resources available to maximize these values or interests?  These are sources of income, assets, friends, family, contacts, and the like.

Finally, brainstorm solutions without regard to what a court would do.  Think outside the box.  Remember, there are no stupid ideas when you’re brainstorming.

I recommend that you hire professionals who share a win-win attitude.  If your attorney refuses to problem solve, insisting instead that your case be a constant frontal assault against enemy lines, remember that you are in control of your case.  The attorney works for you and owes you a duty of loyalty.

And failing this, you have the right to get the other party on the phone and suggest that you cooperate to find solutions.  One solution is to find a win-win-thinking mediator to facilitate a discussion and help you solve problems.

I pray that you find solutions to your problems, because nothing is more painful than slugging it out with your ex in court, only to have a lousy solution imposed on you by an outside decision maker.  Remember to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post DIVORCE LAWYERS AND WIN-LOSE THINKING appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

When I went through my divorce 10 years ago my first inclination was to go for someone aggressive who could make my ex sorry she left.  But I was lucky enough to learn from some colleagues that such a strategy is a recipe for heartache and poverty.  My values placed my relationship to the children ahead of all else, with a strong second place given to avoiding attorneys fees and costs.  I got my case into mediation and settled without going to court.

Many divorce lawyers want to sell you their most expensive product:  litigation.  The sell usually relies heavily on fear of loss, with heavy doses of “you’ve got to protect yourself.”  They’ll show you all the problems and describe themselves as the solution.

Divorce lawyers have a classic, built-in conflict of interest.  If you settle quickly the case is much less lucrative for them.  On the other hand, if you have conflict, and a war chest to spend, the more conflict, the more the attorney makes.

Several years ago Tammy and I mediated a case that was reviewed by one of the top-tiered, certified specialist firms in San Diego County.  We had the case settled amicably, and all that was left was for the parties to get their financial disclosures and settlement papers reviewed by an outside lawyer.  We always recommend such a review in mediation cases because as neutral mediators, Tammy and I can’t tell you, the party, whether your settlement is a good deal.  I encourage parties to take the settlements for review with a lawyer who represents just them.

After seeing this lawyer, the person’s trust for the other party plummeted like a boulder dropped off a cliff.  The party left our office with a high level of trust in the settlement’s fairness, and with the ability to deal with the other parent intact.  After seeing the lawyer, however, the party was sure that the other spouse was hiding assets, understating their true income, and wanted to see years and years of the parties bank statements.

This is what can happen when you hire a lawyer who doesn’t share your values and goals.  In mediation, we try to follow the advice of countless divorce professionals who have been divorced themselves:  try as hard as you can to avoid court.  Court tends to polarize the parties, reduce trust, and worst of all, it places major decisions in the hands of decision makers who might not share your values and goals.

I’m not saying there’s no place for aggressive lawyering.  If your ex is a true scoundrel, or if your goal is truly revenge, and money’s no object, have at it.  If in your value system getting “everything you’re entitled to” is the highest priority, go with the lawyer who will leave no stone unturned.

But if your values run more toward preserving family and relationships, and you want to keep your transaction costs down, communicate those goals to your attorney.  If that attorney insists on a mountain of discovery requests, subpoenas and complicated motions, it may be time to find a different lawyer.  I find that most lawyers are set in their ways, and feel that they know how to play the game, if only they can get you to go along.

If you want to settle your case with a minimum of cost and heartache, avoid the gavels and the cherry-paneled walls.  Get your case into mediation, and at your attorney review, tell the attorney you have decided not to sweat the small stuff.  Until next time …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post SELECT YOUR DIVORCE LAWYER ACCORDING TO YOUR VALUES appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.—Mahatma Gandhi

Today’s is a low trust world.  That’s why there’s so much bullying, fighting and litigation.  Don’t you wish you could live in a better world?  You can.  I’ve seen it happen in divorce cases over and over again.

How many of you have a hard time trusting your ex?  Or even worse, their new mate?  Holy smokes, why is this guy talking about trust?  I can’t stand that &@#%^$%!.

But you’re negotiating about important issues of child rearing, financial issues and the like.  You want to get through this without spending money on lawyer and expert fees.  Therefore, trust may be what you need.

High trust is like oil in the gears of any negotiation.  High trust reduces your legal and transactional costs exponentially.  Low trust leads to appraisal evaluations, child custody evaluations costing thousands, multiple court hearings and huge attorney’s fees.

Consider the store owner Bill, who orders 1,000 widgets from the factory.  He knows the factory owner Janet to be a person of great integrity.  He has placed hundreds of orders over the last 5 years, and each time he gets widgets of high quality, delivered on time.  Bill has always paid Janet on time, occasionally even paying a bonus for work well-done.

About a year ago about 10 percent of the widgets had a flaw that made them unsellable.  Janet immediately rectified the situation by refunding the money for the defective widgets and delivering salable widgets immediately.

Bill doesn’t need to hire a lawyer or write up a lengthy contract.  He knows he won’t have to involve the courts to enforce performance of the contract.  He needs to keep enough widgets in stock to satisfy his customer base.  Whenever his stock is getting low, he places a call to his supplier:  “Hey, Janet, I’m running low.  Can you get 1,000 widgets over to my warehouse by week’s end?”  Janet says, “Sure.  I’ll get the order ready as soon as possible.  Hey, my suppliers have raised their rates and I need to increase the cost by 10 cents per unit.  Is that alright with you?”  “Sure, Janet, that will be fine.”

When people can do business on a handshake, transaction costs go to almost nothing.  But how did Bill get there?  And more importantly for you, how can you get there with your ex?  Let’s break down what happened between Bill and Janet that led to the high trust.

• Bill and Janet have a relationship that has spanned years.
• Over those years both have been willing to make agreements and compromise.
• Each time they have an agreement, both parties promptly do what they promised.

How do you build trust, or overcome mistrust in your relationship with your ex?  Here are some pointers:

1.  Be reasonable and willing to enter into agreements that benefit both of you.  The first half of the trust equation is a willingness to stretch yourself and reach agreements.  These normally aren’t perfectly aligned with your interests, but they are designed to maximize the benefits to both parties.

2.  Be trustworthy.  The other half of the trust equation is to follow through on what you said you were going to do.  Over time, if the support payments are made on time, or you’re there promptly at the exchange time and place for little Johnny, you become predictable, and the other starts to believe you can be counted on.

3.  Leave the past in the past.  Don’t bring up the issues that divided you.

4.  Think win-win.  Be a problem-solver and avoid complaining.  If you want to vent your feelings, call your best friend or your therapist.  When negotiating with your ex, try to find win-win solutions.

My final remark is that trust takes time to build, but it can be shattered in a second.  Try not to do or say things that will destroy the trust.  Start behaving in predictable ways.  Over time you’ll find that cooperation will get easier.

Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying “A lawyer’s time and advice are his stock in trade”.  As a mediator, my stock in trade is really trust.  I exert effort to build and protect trust.  When negotiating divorce issues, you should too.

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post DIVORCE NEGOTIATION SECRET NUMBER 5: The Power of Trust appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.

Thomas Ferreira here for this installment of my five secrets to successful divorce negotiation. Today I want to talk about dropping the “A” bomb. The “A” stands for “attribution.” Dropping an attribution can produce a 5 megaton explosion guaranteed to blow up your negotiations.

How many of you have been trying to influence someone, and had that person make some throw-away comment that leaves you feeling like you were kicked in the stomach? It’s likely a belief they have about your character, a belief that challenges how you see yourself. Here are some typical A-bombs: “…that’s because you have to control everything,” or “my goodness, you’re such a bully.” Comments like “you are always so irresponsible with money” may contain a grain of truth, and that’s why they hurt so much. No one likes to see themselves as irresponsible.

Three Levels of Communication:

When I mediate negotiations, I’m on the lookout for 3 levels of conversation.

The surface level is the factual conversation, or the “what happened” conversation. Consider these frequent assertions that frequently occur in divorce negotiations:

a. The family home is worth $350,000.

b. You were arrested for drunk driving last year.

c.Seventy percent of the 401k is community property.

The next level of depth is the “how do I feel about that” conversation:

a. When I think about selling our home, it hurts to think of all the times we had there.

b. I feel ashamed that I drove the car after drinking, but I’m proud of the things I’ve done to atone for that mistake.

c. I’m afraid I won’t have the money to retire when I’m 65, and I’ll be out on the street begging for quarters.

The deepest level, and the one that holds the most power, is the character conversation:

a. Family is more important to me than it is to you.

b. When I make a mistake, I face it like a man.

c. I am a prudent saver, not willing to rely on others or the government for a handout.

The character conversation involves how we see ourselves. It is the foundation of our self-esteem, and when others attack us there, we defend ourselves like we’re fighting for our lives. That’s because we are, in a sense, fighting for our lives. After all, if I believe that I’m irresponsible, or that I’m a lousy parent, or that I never do anything good for the kids, those beliefs will drain me of drive to take responsibility, to take selfless actions, or to build a relationship with the kids.

My advice is to consider carefully the power of statements begin with the words, “That’s just like you…”, or “There you go again…” or “you always…” or “you never…”. What follows these attribution phrases are fighting words, words that attack a person’s foundation of how they see themselves. By contrast, when an attribution is aimed at you, stop for a second before becoming defensive. Adopt a curiosity stance and ask them for more details about their proposed solution. Steer the conversation back to business and away from the personal.

Here’s another technique for the seriously advanced negotiator. Try a positive attribution, something like “I really appreciate how you’re stepping up to the plate.” Affirming another person’s positive beliefs about themselves can disarm an otherwise angry and bitter foe, and turn them into a co-problem-solver.

Remember that making that other person your ally instead of your enemy can save you huge litigation dollars, and avoid the most painful and destructive part of divorce: going to court. In showing some kindness to your soon-to-be-ex, you’ll be on your way to …

Love your family,

Protect your finances, and

Reach for your future!

Thomas D. Ferreira, Esq.

The post DIVORCE NEGOTIATION SECRET NUMBER FOUR: Avoiding the “A” Bomb appeared first on Carlsbad Divorce Mediator and Legal Document Assistant.